Sad,Scared & Worried. Its gone on for to long..

[Jonathan2007]

To understand whats going on please read this other topic that i made just before March 2007. It explains how ive found a lump etc. But this topic is to tell you how sad and depressed ive became, and im only 15.
Link to topic : http://www.tc-cancer.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5376

Hi all, If you have read that other topic then you will know what i have found a lump and im extremely unsure what this is and what its doing to my body. Im sorry that i never replied much to that other topic as after i told the forum i thought that i new what i was to expect and what roads to take to finally end this "Torture" im going through..

Around March time i went to the doctors but getting there i found out that it wasn't my usuall family doctor but a new doctor that had flew over from America to talk and help with young people from my community with this cancer problem, He told him my problems and what ive done and he told me "That its nothing to worry about, It will go down in time, Give it 2-3 months and come to see me again."

After hearing this i was over the moon i thought that i could go back living a normal life and not worrying about if it is really this horrid TC.

3months have past... No change with the lump its still the same size as an average pea, I can bring myself to tell my parents this i i know for a fact that they will be upset. I know that i should but if your where in my shoes you know that i just cant. I cant tell anybody about this exept people that wont judge me. Not even friends,family or even Doctors, Yes.. Even Doctors, Because at the end of the day i always think to myself that once that doctors door is closed the doctor will have a giggle. I know he wont but i cant stop seeing this image in my head of him laughing at me. Why cant i get rid of this disturbing image! Its driving me insane.

The last 3weeks have been the worst days of my life, Ive never felt so upset, Ever. I havn't had a decent night sleep in 9 days, Tossing and turning non stop. Ive also recently been dreaming about what the people at my school would think and say to me if i told them, But all i get back is a long 6 months of bullying.

Ive had enough of this, I cant take anymore of staying up night after night tosing and turning thinking about the same god damn thing over and over again, I just whish that it could be over and done with, that my friends and family could exept me the same even if they new my issues.

3 nights ago i went to drown my sorrows, Its not rare that i drink alcohol but its rare that i drink it on my own. I also smoke cannibis but now that is rarely. I light up a joint and just sat there in my room, drinking my cans smoking away in this sad sad era ive came to..


I need help, fast!. Suicide cant hurt you when you have this much pain building up in side of you, I just want to lash out on somebody stamp all over them show them how much anger is inside of me, Clench my fist and hit everybody and anybody in my way. I need help, fast!.

[dadmo]

Jonathan:
Cancer can be survived so can anxiety attacks but suicide, nobady survives that. I understand how hard it is to tell your parents. My son was 23 when he was diagnosed. He didn't say a word to us about his symptoms for several months and just like you the anxiety was unbearable. You need to do one is get to a doctor (he or she will not laugh) and get that lump checked. In my opinion you should do it with your parents, they will be you biggest supporters with real health concerns. Remember just because it's a lump it doesn't have to be tc it could be lot's of things which are much less frightening. When you are alone with the doctor tell him/her about your anxiety attacks, something should be done about that also and again I can guarentee they won't laugh or think poorly of you. Most of the doctors will have families of their own and they will have great compassion for the problems of someone your age.

[Jonathan2007]

Thanks dadmo for your reply, Ive got some extra things to add :

First of all this lump ive got isn't on my testicle but attatched to my left which drives me to the idea of TC which drives me to drepression. also:

If it is TC and i have to get my testicle removed is it possible to get a so called "Fake" testicle added so atleast im looking as i should?
Because i dont think girls will like a 15 year old male much that looks "Un-even"

That is my biggest worry, getting my testicle removed..

[dadmo]

First I'm not a doctor but I don't think you have tc. For you to have tc it must be part of the testicle itself, no exceptions. It sounds like you might have a cyst on your epididmus. What a relief!! These lumps can be annoying but certainly not dangerous. You still should get it checked because it might be infected but I'm telling you it doesn't sound like you have cancer.

[Russell's Mom]

Hi

Hope that I can share some hope and strength. I'm a Mom as you can see by the picture. Russell my, son is pushing his way through TC. He did come to me very early when he first discovered the lump. There were other complications, but I would have been so sad if he walked in a different direction. It is easy to feel judged. We have found that when people don't know what to say (because it is new to them too) the words sometimes miss what we want to hear. Then it is easy to think there is something wrong with us or how we think. Although our minds are very convincing, that is just not true. Big emotions are very real, they touch us in very confusing ways, but you are normal...the situation is abnormal!! Our society has put drugs at everyones door. This will be your choice. I have learned however that the oxygen level to your brain "will" be decreased for about 5 days after you smoke pot. Alcohol is a depressant and you can feel sad and lonely because of the chemical reaction. I am sure you can put two and two together here. Just the fact that you can communicate this concern with such detail and insight toward the people around you tells me that you are a capable thinker and have the ability to make strong choices, turning them into action. What would you tell a freind to do if he was stuck in this place?
Please keep in touch! Russell's Mom, Sharon

[Jonathan2007]

First I'm not a doctor but I don't think you have tc. For you to have tc it must be part of the testicle itself, no exceptions. It sounds like you might have a cyst on your epididmus. What a relief!! These lumps can be annoying but certainly not dangerous. You still should get it checked because it might be infected but I'm telling you it doesn't sound like you have cancer.

You can only imagine the relief! , Ive been doing a little research for the Cyst (Spermatocele) and now i believe that its this problem and im going to stick with thinking that the lumps are just the cyst because saying that its TC i get really worried, So im going to take another walk to the docters very soon i can promise you and i will give you the latest on that asap.

Hope that I can share some hope and strength. I'm a Mom as you can see by the picture. Russell my, son is pushing his way through TC. He did come to me very early when he first discovered the lump. There were other complications, but I would have been so sad if he walked in a different direction. It is easy to feel judged. We have found that when people don't know what to say (because it is new to them too) the words sometimes miss what we want to hear. Then it is easy to think there is something wrong with us or how we think. Although our minds are very convincing, that is just not true. Big emotions are very real, they touch us in very confusing ways, but you are normal...the situation is abnormal!! Our society has put drugs at everyones door. This will be your choice. I have learned however that the oxygen level to your brain "will" be decreased for about 5 days after you smoke pot. Alcohol is a depressant and you can feel sad and lonely because of the chemical reaction. I am sure you can put two and two together here. Just the fact that you can communicate this concern with such detail and insight toward the people around you tells me that you are a capable thinker and have the ability to make strong choices, turning them into action. What would you tell a freind to do if he was stuck in this place?
Please keep in touch! Russell's Mom, Sharon

I had the depression before i smoked pot and drank that night so that isnt the depression problem. But ofcouse i will have to quit because obviously its a bad thing. But maybe with that small relief will drain out the depression a bit.

Russels Mom & Dadmo i will keep you up to date.

[Russell's Mom]

you are walking strong

You are walking strong, be proud of yourself! There is so much support and information from the internet these days...it is a great thing. Be careful however, a diagnosis can be confusing even for the doctors. They can use a simple, painless ultrasound test to be sure. This is the same kind of test that they use on new mom's to take a look at the baby as it grows. Stay on it until you are sure! Take care, Russell's Mom, Sharon

[Jilleighn]

hello! I have to agree with Dando and Russelsmom on this. My husband was 28 years of age when he was diagonised. I knew about it but never did anyone else. THe day he finally mentioned it to his parents was the day he had to have surgery and told him he probably had cancer. It is not easy at all, but we are all here for you.

[Schtopper]

That is my biggest worry, getting my testicle removed..

I can appreciate this concern especially for someone of you're age. I was born with a defective left testicle, it never descended and upon operation to bring it down it was found to be drastically malformed and simply removed. This was at age 4, and as such i went through my entire life upto my early 20s with just the one testicle. Like the concerns you have when I hit around 13/14 i too was always conscious about it and what others would think or say when i was getting showered after gym and it realy knocked my confidence with girls as i was worried that they would laugh or run off screaming or some such nonesense.

I lived in an area where name calling, bullying etc were rife and I just knew that should someone ever find out i'd be bullied for the rest of my school life.

I'm now 29 and ya know what, not once was i ever bullied about, in fact i don't anyone ever even noticed. Even when i did start having a sexual relationship there was never even a problem there, in fact had i not brought the point up I doubt any of them would even have given it a second glance.

The fact is your testicles sit behind your penis and whether you have 1 or 2 it really isn't noticeable, in fact if anything in comparison it makes your penis look bigger as it tends to hang straight down instead of lying over the top of 2 testicles (gotta look on the plus side of things).

So although it is unlikely (The vast vast majority of testicular lumps AREN'T cancer) that you will have to have one taken away try not to panic, even IF you did (and it really is a BIG IF) it isn't as embarassing or as much as a problem as you think it is.

But i do 100% understand your concerns i'm simply trying to give you comfort about that 1 element i have had to go through myself at your age, having gone through it i've realised that no-one ever really noticed.

[Jilleighn]

schtopper has some great points.

Like I said in my previous post my husband was diagonised at 28 and had a testie removed. We were married so it was not like he was in the dating scene. I can honestly say I do not notice or pay attention to him only having 1. IT all looks the same to me