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[amorgan74]

Ms. Mary Ellen, I know what I am thinking but getting it out on this screen is a little more difficult than I thought it would be. Hormone Replacement Therapy blindsided us. When the I/O surgery was done we were told that everything would return to normal, we would have a normal relationship and all of the "plumbing" as I have seen it termed would work properly. The good doc forgot to mention one important factor, TIME!!! The HRT seems to be part art, part science at getting the dosage where it needs to be because some men need more and some need less and then the levels can increase on their own as time goes by. This has been an interesting experience in some ways and has shown us that when it comes to hormones we could joke all we wanted to but he was more like me than he thought, his parts just looked and worked differently. Wesley would get so mad before because he felt like he was about 90ish in his 30 something body. This part of TC treatment has taken some patience, some adjustments, some practice ( , I am not complaining here) and we have had to take it each day at a time. We are much closer to our relationship being the way it was and in terms of growth, maturity and love we are much stronger as a couple than we were before. It has taken work on our part and I know that there's not a single person out here that wouldn't want to experience all of this but even after all that TC took from us God made sure we also received so much more. I hate that we have had to go through this but I can see the good is there too, it was just hard to see it some days. Please tell Chris to keep his chin up and keep looking for "the one". Tell him to hang in there and I hope you can enjoy him being on break and momma him some. I know I would do the same for my little boy. I hope things are better for him soon. April

[MommaBeth]

Mary Ellen and all of you moms - it is so hard to see and hear your kids down. It seems that they have been through enough fighting cancer, but life still goes on - ups and downs. Patrick, too, had a break up a month after his RPLND surgery. His girlfriend was in Colorado and was dealing with all of her ups and downs while he was here in Katy, TX dealing with his. It is hard on a relationship to go through something this big. They dated for almost 2 and a half years and it was a long distance relationship much of the time. It was a mutual breakup, but everything that each of them went through had to be a big factor. I think it was the "we can't put our finger on it" thing that they were both experiencing. Luckily, they have remained very good friends and that has helped him adjust to a new school, but he had alot of anxiety about what that relationship was going to look like when he got back up there. An issue that Chris, Patrick, and all of the men or women that have had cancer deal with is the anxiety of not feeling "normal" and what is wrong now. Patrick had some pain in his left testicle and in his mind he went immediately to cancer in the left testicle, not being able to have children, etc. It turned out to be a variocele, but the anxiety that he experienced before he went to the doctor actually made the pain worse. The relief he felt when the doctor knew right away what it was and that it was not cancer related at all was incredible. The pain he was feeling actually went immediately to just discomfort. After that episode he set up an appointment to talk to the social worker that had come in to see him after his surgery. They talked about coping with "life" as a cancer survivor. One of the things that they did discuss was how you bring up tc with the next girl. It could definately be a difficult subject to approach. There is some grief that I am feeling for all of these men as I am writing this, but at the same time the joy that I feel knowing that they are survivors. Patrick has always been nervous as he starts classes - not knowing people, not knowing what to expect from the professor, etc. This semeseter he, of course, anticipated those same butterflies, and at the end of the day called and said that he kept waiting to be nervous - but it never happened. After what he had been through, I guess his mind gave him a break! Cancer/first day of class - I guess they just don't compare. At some level they have to say "I have been through worse." As a parent, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could make everything that is bad go away, but that is not our job. Our kids are capable of dealing with all of the same disappointments in life just as we did when we were their age. Our job is the same as when they were little. Listen to them, talk to them, put a bandaid on their boo boo, kiss their forhead and let them know that you have confidence that they will feel better soon. Then, when they are out of sight, cry and pray that tomorrow will be a better day for them. I am glad that Chris is getting his testosterone levels checked. That is an area that I don't know much about. I am going to see Patrick this weekend and I will definately be doing some observation. All seems fine when I talk to him, with the exception that he is really frustrated with his phone and the heat isn't working in his car, but I think that those are legitimately frustrating, not so much moodiness, but I will be better able to see if he seems "normal" when I am up there - if I can remember what "normal" is. Ha!

[justinsmom]

I thought I would put in my 2 cents worth as the "cancer experience" changes alot of how you view things in life....Just like Patrick not having the anxiety over classes like he used to, it really makes you take a step back now when people complain about the "little" things in life, I never had much sympathy for complainers but now when co-workers ect. complain about their life "how tired" they are or "bad drivers" or things like that I find I really just want to scream at them to "get real"!!! It's been so long since life has been close to "normal" that wouldn't you sometimes just like to complain about ....."bad drivers" or....... "how tired I am"? But once you've gone through what we've all gone through those things just don't matter any more ...........you have a whole new perspective on life. You appreciate so much more the things you took for granted, so take time to smell the roses, the fragrance really is awesome!!! There is a quote from a cancer victim in Armstrongs book where he tells Lance they're the "lucky ones" ...........makes you think doesn't it? God Bless ><> Lanette

[dadmo]

Mary Ellen, Hi, It's me Nancy.....
I know you heard what a nice time we had meeting Diane and Jay. Yes, there is comfort in sharing our stories...and greater in meeting in person. We had such a nice time, talking, me crying, and of course.....laughing.
I am sooooo sorry to hear that you too ...again, are going through the same heart ache as we are. Our boys have paralled thier past years....soooo closely. As you know we too "mourne" the loss of Jason girlfriend. She was sooo wonderful through his "illness", and of course, we grew to love her just as a wonderful extention of our family. I miss her sooooooo. Even more though, I "mourne" that we too, loss a piece of Jason. In October when they broke up, we too lost a part of him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but as his mother I know he hurst sooooo badly, yet tries to act...happy!!!!
He has pulled away from "us" (which kills me) and his friends. It's like he is seperating himself from anyone who knew him when he had cancer. He has met up with new people who are filling his void....and pushing us aside. I try sooooooooooooo hard to be patient, I don't say anything to him, but I cry and hurt so that I can't be the one to comfort him. Yeah, I know he's 25 and he doesn't need his "mommy"...........but I guess, I want to know, that he knows, that we love him, support him, and want him to be happy.
Mar......hang in there, and keep us posted........
.................................................. ............................Nancy

[Scott]

He has pulled away from "us" (which kills me) and his friends. It's like he is seperating himself from anyone who knew him when he had cancer. He has met up with new people who are filling his void....and pushing us aside.

He'll be back, Nancy. Just give him time.

[dadmo]

Thanks Scott.....my head already knows that.....but my heart is aching. I know I can't now...but I just want to make it better.
I really hope we get to meet you to....soon!!!! Nancy

[jdunn]

Hi Nancy,
Sorry to hear that you too are going through tough times. I know the aching heart feeling and it's not fun. Time will heal and Jason will find what he needs in life. My thoughts and prayers are with all the parents out there with their struggles.
take care!!!!

[Chris'Mom]

Wow, thanks all for the support and words of encouragement....I always know I can talk things out here, and we all understand so well our feelings for our sons, husbands, etc.....MommaBeth, Dianne, Nancy I do feel better when I hear from someone else that I can't always make it better for Chris anymore. His girlfriend was with us from day one of the cancer diagnosis, and she became a part of our family, teaching me to knit, holidays...and always kept Chris' spirits up....so this came as a surprise..yet, I can't blame it all on her...Chris became distant and moody with her....and now I think realizes it is too late....and when he called me that first night I thought he was more down that when he had cancer diagnosed. He seemed better today, when he told me he went for his bloodword today up at school for the testosterone test. I guess like you all said, he has to live his own life, and we are here for support. Nancy, my heart is with you...but Jason will come back eventually, after some growing pains...cancer has lasting effects on all of us I see. Mommabeth, you made me feel like Chris isn't the only one going thru the pain of a breakup....its just that now I think how he will have to explain that to a new girl...his girlfriend was there from the start....soon we will have more answers on his bloodwork....thanks for all the help...Mary Ellen

[MommaBeth]

Mary Ellen - I will be thinking of you and Chris as you wait for test results -once again. I feel like our stories are so similar. Patrick's girlfriend was with us from the beginning also. In fact she was the only one with him when the doctor told him that he probably had cancer! Breakups are hard on the whole family, that is all there is to it. I think that after we've been there and held their hand through the ups and downs of the whole big mess, our emotions get entangled with theirs and we can somehow feel the feelings that they are feeling, but I think, at least with me, I project my own grief and anxiety onto what he must be feeling.

Nancy - I know that Jason will be back. Regrouping is part of the healing, I think, and with these young guys that are just experiencing some autonomy and independence for the first time in their lives and then going back to being so dependent through their illness and recovery, a natural response is to shoot in the other direction. I know that when I was their age, and I didn't have cancer, I couldn't wait to prove my independence. It was me - not my parents that I had something to prove to, but boy let me tell you, when my little boy was diagnosed with cancer, who was the first people that I called - my parents! You are giving Jason space and he knows that you are always there. That is what is important - as hard as it is! Patrick went off of a ski jump last weekend! I'm glad I didn't know about it until after he had done it!

[dadmo]

MommaBeth, Mary Ellen, and the other mom's......sure is a tough place to be...however, I am grateful for your imput and your sharing of experiences...makes me feel "not so alone".
MommaBeth, you said things so well in your post..... in my head I know all those things....just that heart is having a difficult time :-(
I guess the having to deal with dating again and having to explain tc to her... I tell him, he's a great catch, and that she'll just love him for him!!! But I do feel his anxiety about how and when to explain it to her. In his "ligher" moments he has said to me....." I imagine me sitting on a bar stool with a lovely "new" lady at my side, I look into her eyes and say....... Hi..my signs cancer.....what's yours?" We laugh of course, but.......
What type of suggestions did the social worker give to Patrick? Just so I may have something to tell Jason to help ease him.

[justinsmom]

I have to get in on the "MOM" bandwagon.......one of the hardest things I think for a lot of us moms is that the age of our sons makes it even more difficult to deal with this disease. Because a lot of us posting on this forum have sons in their early 20's I think we can really relate to the same feelings. As mothers (Of boys I might add) we have a different bond than a mom with her daughter....And the age they are diagnosed makes it more difficult I feel. Because we have just released them into the world (moving out of home, college ect.) In my case all I wanted to do was to nuture my son, take care of him and like a mother of a newborn infant, woke at every little sound he made in the night.....my situation was that he had a fiance'.....so it was even harder because I had to back away....I had to let her step in and take care of those things I had done all his life....I had to let her go with him to chemo, and stay by his hospital bed....ect..... I can't express how difficult it was....If they were married from the start of this I think it would have been easier-maybe you guys can't relate because it was a "girlfriend" not a "fiance'" But I know what you are referring to as far as you who have had to watch their sons breakups and their drifting away from you. The "mother" instinct has been re-triggered for us (even though they are young adults) so we have tried to coax them back into the safety of the "nest" and our nurturing and "mommy will try to make it all better" skills kick in and then when they are better we have to re-release them all over again and watch them go back into their semi-grown up world and that is REALLY DIFFFICULT!!!! And kind of backwards and really mixes us up.... any of this make sense? Lanette ><>

[Chris'Mom]

Thanks Beth for encouragement...you are right, I also got emotionally attached to his girlfriend after all that time, and loved that she was there for him...he will be home this weekend for a schoolbreak, and usually he would spend three days with her family near the Finger Lakes...so I think he will be very antsy...but at least physically I will be able to see how he is doing in person...it was this break last year when he came home and told me late at night talking about school that he felt something in the shower...and it all started...so I guess we will get thru this too...Chris is healthy and I must keep remembering that fact.......glad Patrick didn't tell you until AFTER he jumped ....I'd rather not know and then be thankful they are ok....Nancy, hang in there...its so nice to have moms here that understand...not many people I know have sons with TC...Mary Ellen

[dadmo]

Lanette,
Yes...of course it makes sense (to us other mom's)
It "is" different having son's...they tend to be more "to themselves" then daughters.... thier age, and dating situation is difficult enough without all this going on in thier lives too.
Is Justine still with his fiance' ? Jason and Marielle had been together four and a half years....we thought it was the real deal. I know the boys will all find thier way...and great girl to share it with. :-)
Thanks again............................................. .........Nancy

[Chris'Mom]

Lanette, after I posted I read your thread...you said it so well for me....as a mom I always knew I could make things better...heal the hurts...and physically I did help get Chris thru the cancer and was so happy to do so...but I can't fix this for him...and as a mom that is tough. I agreed with so much you said...how they are still so young...and have been thru so much...I can also feel for you that you had to stand back and watch his fiance help him, as it should be...but after all those years that you took care of him...its so hard to let go....thanks for help...and another viewpoint...Mary Ellen

[Chris'Mom]

Nancy, you are right, they will find great girls who will love them for who they are...I must believe that...I tell Chris that the right one will be come along when he least expects it.......M