New Member... Losing Control

[arturojr]

not sure if this is the right place to put this thread...anywho..

my name is arturo... i am 24... at the age of 22, and a week after i graduated from college, i was diagnosed with testicular cancer. i had my left testicle removed a week after that, and a month after i went through 3 rounds of chemotherapy... because after the tumor was removed my tumor markers were still high, i went through every catscan, xray, and petscan you can think of, full body and head, and they still couldnt find where the cancer was that was still producing the high tumor markers, its kind of freaky when you hear your oncologist say "i have no idea where it is, but we are going to kill it"...thus the chemo.. luckily chemo went fine... and i have been in remission since nov 04. thats just a lil over 2 yrs now.

what is not fine... is ME... i am not the same person i was before. anxiety is starting to run my life. especially anxiety over my health. before the cancer, whenever i felt pain or anything i always went by the 3-5day rule.. if it still hurt in 3 -5 days then maybe i would go to the doc... now.. i jump to the worst conclusion RIGHT AWAY... i am currently seeing a psychologist and am even on xanax (taken as needed) but i hate being on medication. my biggest fear right now is my heart... i have high cholesterol and have been battling that for a while.. every now and then i get pain in my chest... i have been to the ER and to my DR.. i have had several EKGs and even did a treadmill test... all showing a normal heart and no clots anywhere. but yet... i still get pain now and then.. and it freaks me out... my DR says it is in my head... but i just cant get over it... I HATE IT!!! it scares the shiz out of me... i used to play bball 3 or 4 times a week before the cancer.. now i am afraid to play anything because of my heart... i am scared... and i hate being scare... i am mad at myself because i cannot get control over my anxiety... this IS NOT WHO I AM... but i cant change it right now... i dont know what to do.... am i crazy? has anyone else gone through anything similar? ... anxiety is ruining my life... i am scared

i just went to a cardiologist today and had another stress/treadmill test and will be having an echocardiogram on sat... to check my heart... i just hate this anxiety.. this isnt the "me" from before...

sorry to just drop all of this here

[dadmo]

arturojr:
I have to congratulate you on two things being cured of cancer and seeking help for your anxiety. We get a lot of people signing on with questions about anxiet but you are one of the few to do the right thing and get help. I and most if not all others here understand what you have and are going thru. My only advise is try and get active in something that will help you relax, yoga light exercise or even volunteer work in your community. Just stick with the doctor and as time moves on I'm sure you will feel better. If your up to it stick around this forum and meet some of our members, as time goes by you will learn how we have all come to cope, and as you might expect some breeze right thru the ordeal and others struggle, just remember you are not alone and you are one of the few to actually take step to help control your anxiety

[Karen]

arturo,
Been there, done that with the anxiety and health obsessing stuff. It is perfectly normal to be fearful after what you have gone through but when anxiety is ruining your days you need to get control of it. You should be seeing a psychiatrist (MD), not a psychologist and Xanax and the like don't help the problem, but temporarily alleviate some symptoms. I believe relaxation techniques, exercise etc can help many deal with anxiety. However, as a biochemist I also know that sometime the chemical/receptor imbalance in your brain can't be "outpsyched". A psychiatrist can best determine if you may need a short term low dose antidepressant. Nobody likes taking pills and nobody likes to admit they have a problem delaing with their anxiety...but it happens. If anxiety is ruining your life and xanax isn't helping you need something else. Anxiety can have nasty effects on your overall health, immunity etc. It WILL get better and you WILL be you again!! Get thee to a shrink. If you are seeing a psychiatrist and not psychologist then you need to find another one. You should not be feeling like this under a good doctor's care.

[Already Bald]

Arturo,
I agree with both Karen and Dadmo- you are right to confront your problem, and time coupled with the right doctor will help you.
I just want to add one more thing: you are a young man, and it is normal for young people to have serious anxiety issues. I'm sure that there are other folks my age here that would just rather forget parts of their twenties! These are rough years, and then to throw cancer on top of it all, along with concerns of long term affects of chemo- you have a lot to sort out.
Don't be so hard on yourself, and try to take it day by day.
Stay active as best you can, and keep writing.
Joe

[Fed]

Arturo,
The first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. You have made that all-important step. Now it's time to confront the anxiety. Many of us have dealt with bouts of it, and, as you have stated, it can be crippling. As such, you need to regain control of your mind.
A few years back (before TC), I dealt with severe depression and anxiety. Upon recoginizing that, I realized that action needed to be taken because the mental issues were interfering with work and overall well-being. I started seeing a psychiatrist, and it was probably one of the smartest moves I have ever made. I was put on a mild antidepressant and had a script for Xanax as a backup (fortunately I only had to use the latter once). Of course, meds can't cure everything, and the therapy component of my visits was also crucial to get things back on track. I was eventually able to go off the meds, and my psychiatrist eventually said that I was cured.
After my TC diagnosis last November, I was afraid the depression and the anxiety were going to return. I'd be lying to you if I said they didn't return, but at least I now know how to keep them in check.
You have a long life ahead of you and much to look forward to. The anxiety won't go away overnight, and it will be a slow process; nonetheless, once you get the healing started, you will be feeling much better. We're here for you, dude. All the best,

[arturojr]

thanks..

thanks everyone... i really appreciate all the responses to my original post. last night i went to a local cancer support group (which I had heard about it while i was first going through chemo). they seem very sweet and helpful, and they have a specific support group for those of us in the after "day to day" fight. they even have weekly strength training courses that I think i am going to join to slowly get back into being active like i was before...

this morning my urologist's office called to schedule my next round of check up... i have my cat-scan and xray and blood tests on 3/6. and will get my results a week or so after. i always get nervous around this time....but if they come back clear i officially hit the 2.5yr mark of remission... keeping my fingers crossed...

thanks again to you all. i look forward to writing here...to being supported..and to supporting others..

[AdrianB1971]

.

wellcome to anxiety world. 2 years before TC I had panic attacks and generalized anxiety (from my very agitated relationship(s) ). Curiosly, TC has ended this nightmare. Now, after nearly 2 years after chemo, i have just a little depression [rarely] and some anxiety when i'm going for bloodwork result
So, my advice : You won the battle with TC !!!! What new enemy can bit you ? No one !! [by the way, check your testosterone level !!!!!]
Be strong

[arturojr]

even though i lost only 1 testicle i should ask to have my testosterone checked?

[dadmo]

Yes get that checked. It's a simple blood screen and everyone wqho has one removed should establish their base number. I don't believe my son has a testosterone problem and I keep pushing for him to get it checked.

[arturojr]

Yes get that checked. It's a simple blood screen and everyone wqho has one removed should establish their base number. I don't believe my son has a testosterone problem and I keep pushing for him to get it checked.

ok cool. i'll ask my urologist and dr next time i see them. maybe for next time i get blood drawn for my cholesterol i'll have them add this one on.

[petep]

arturo,

I will offer my two cents....

I think one of the best posts I read on this forum, in the funny category - was one titked "it has spread to my brain"...when I read it at first I though on no, this poor guy...and as I read the post I realized he was in remission, it was anxiety he was talking about....the follow up posts were, in a sense, amusing...one guy wrote in think a small pimple was penile cancer - to which his doc said there is no such thing...

I know I wrote it was funny, it is not...but the point is so many people wrote in all experiencing the same thoughts...there is comfort in numbers so realize you are not alone or unique.

My second point, this may be great advice or the worst advice...I am not an expert....but it has worked for me at different times in my life....

- perhaps visit a cancer ward for children and bring a few gifts....this will either make you very depressed & sad, or you doing something nice for a child in need will lift your spirits higher than you could ever imagine.

- in general, when I get upset with something, I force myself to do something nice...get a bad customer complaint....call another customer and thank them for their business....you will hang up the phone happy again.

I recall once living in los angeles...early in my career, on my own, good job...but potentially facing a layoff...worrying days, nights, bad dreams....I got so focused on "me" that it becomes a downward spiral....the only way I learned to break out of this pattern is to do something for someone else...to take the focus from me.

All that said, sometimes you need to work on you...and you are so that is good...but don't discount trying to help another as a means to help you out....no silver bullet here - but you've made the first step.

[arturojr]

just an update..

had a stress test last tuesday and had an echocardiogram on saturday..will get results on 3/9.

have my next round of surveillance coming up too:
2/28: ct scan/cxr, bloodwork
3/13: get results