Break up soon after diagnosis

[Nikka0210]

I also think it is more of a "spread through/entered bloodstream", if they did not mention the possible surgery I am betting it was more of a Stage 1 of something, lymph nodes intact.

Well he called me to talk on Saturday and the next day instead of calling asked to come over. We talked about nothing and catching up, he then got comfortable and did not want to leave and stayed the night. In the veil of the night he said the stuff about his hands impaired being too much to live with and he does not want to bring a woman to that if he hears bad news and decides to end treatment. Then to me directly something like he figured out several reasons why he does not want to be with me, upon pressing for like 5 minutes for any specifics he said he has some sort of a weakness for me but sometimes he is attracted to me and sometimes not(????). I asked him if he wants to see each other and he said he did not know. Then he would not let me out of his sight until the morning and cuddled nonstop and were intimate before that talk as well.
So here I am, confused as.... , but I just want him to be fine, that is why I am inquiring about the neuropathy and any ideas on how to lift spirits. I only wonder if he is fighting his heart with his brain through the "I just might decide to die next week" or if it was some sort of goodbye or he just needed someone,anyone close to him.
I am only sorry I did not say I loved him then, I was weighing the options on whether he needs to hear it to maybe try to fight or not hear it since he needs to focus on getting well and I read cancer patients sometimes react badly to that thinking we say it only because of the illness or something.

[MarkOne]

Spread to his blood would as Dave said be unusual - I wonder if he means spread via his blood. Vascular invasion and spreading of cancer cells via bloodstream to other parts of the body is more common.

[Davepet]

TC doesn't usually spread to the blood, but with some types,it can happen. My guess is he may not be asking the right questions to get accurate info from his docs. What I don't get is why he is still pushing you away. In the 30+ years we've been together, both my wife & I have been caregiver & patient in turn. As patients, we both appreciated that the other was there both for moral support & to help recall what was said at Dr visits. Also to ask the questions we didn't think of because we weren't up to snuff. This is what life partners do for each other. It does not seem that you two are that comfortable yet. I really hope you can get there.

Dave

[Nikka0210]

I asked him and he knew only it was a malignant tumor, cancer spread to his blood. He just listened to the doctors on what to do, but not about what hit him. I asked him if they talked to him about any other possible surgery, he said he was not listening to the diagnosis part, so I asked again if they mentioned anything about another surgery and he said no. I was curious as I believe they would have mentioned it in case his lymph nodes were enlarged, so my hopes are that he did not have it severe.

He said that he had three rounds and that his chemo is finished and now they are testing to make sure . Thanks for letting me know that unless it was really bad this should be enough, you gave me some peace of mind. Thank you!

Nikka

[Davepet]

I assume you don't know the details of his case? (Path report, ct & marker results?) Generally, only in very severe cases would BEPx4 be needed, if he is on EP only, than 4 rounds are needed to insure a cure.
Dave

[jjjw2835]

I wonder if the pain is from neuropathy. I was put on a drug called gabapentin for pain u may want to suggest it if possible

[Nikka0210]

Hey,

Well no senses came to him after all. I saw him during the weekend, what came to him were chemo side effects and what I understand is severe pain in fingers (cannot type on a keyboard, squeeze toothpaste without pain), he was offered disability pension, doctors unsure if it will resolve on it's own once chemo leaves his body. He is to get some results on Wednesday and then final ones in January. But he is out of energy. He said if they tell him to go for another chemo, that the 3 rounds werent enought, that he will not go again since the pain in the fingers is too much for him to live with and he is not happy about possibly making it worse. I tried to talk him a bit out of it, but did not find the right arguments in the moment. I am pondering my options on how to help, since, to me as a third party, that decision does not make much sense.
I think I figured out something I would like to say to him to try to make him move forward in case the three rounds weren't enough, I asked him if we see each other again, he was unsure, I am not sure if he picks up the phone, but I think I should try before his appointment. If the results come out bad I am pretty sure I will not hear from him.

Any possible advice is welcome and I thank you before hand.

Nikka

[Davepet]

I hope things continue to progress for you.He's probably about done with chemo nlow ( assuming it was 3xBEP), & maybe ready to come to his senses.

Dave

[Nikka0210]

Hey Guys,

Here is the promised update in case of news.

I sent him a text once a month, once with the offer of help, then a month later with a stupid joke about hair loss. All came without response, of course.
Then, one drunk night, I sent him a very looooong letter. It was not the "I miss you, wish we didn't break up, love you" kind of deal. It was more of a "leveled thinking" writing. Something like "Hey, I am writing this letter so you can read it any time, I am sorry for my messed up texts, I was inteding to see you once more, before you want your space during treatment and I wanted to ask you what you need from me then and I did expect, we would not see each other for extended periods of time. I did not expect the ignorance, but in a way I get it. I think I would do the same, wanting you to be happy and not to bring you down like that. This was no ones fault, I dont blame you, I dont judge you. I do wonder how you are doing, and maybe one day you will wanna tell me how you did, or maybe you will just write "What's up" and we will talk like in the old times. I am here for you, always "

It was really long, but something like that. Well, I sent it over a week ago and he finally called me today. It was just a very awkward and nervious "How are you doing, what's new call" but I think as a first step great.

Thank you all for the support, I would not have made it without you

Nikka

[Nikka0210]

Hey Kiwi,

I would call him manly, for fatherhood he had his sperm frozen and for the rest I do not know. Also, I think I forgot to mention that when he called me with the diagnosis, he specifically said I got him out of "crap" (car accident, bathing) once and he definitely does not want me to do it again. So I guess that feeling won.

For now, I sent him a quick message since I guessed he was after first chemo week In hopes to cheer him up and let him know I am still here even through our messy history. Something like, I am thinking of you, I know you are bravely fighting, I was thinking of taking your dog with us on a walk, just let me know any time
It is up to him now I guess. So far I am being ignored, but I did expect that.

If there is something new I let you all know, but I guess it is time to leave him in peace. I can only hope he will find it in his heart to at least tell me when he is alright some day.

Nikka

[Kiwi]

Was he a "guy guy" could he be highly concerned about is "masculinity" being demonise or concern re the sex and father hood type things? He would be fine of both fronts though. Hard one to get around unless you know whats in his head.

[Nikka0210]

Dear Chad,

Thank you so much for the lengthy answer and congratulations on your recent win over this illness! It does give some hope. I feel the worst thing is just not knowing what is happening. It honestly almost sent me to a psych then. But whatever I feel or am going through does not matter nearly as much than him being healthy again.

I really do not mean to be pushy, I did send him the last message two weeks ago exactly. I am just wondering how much time until I can try again, maybe with the dog walk idea. Not even to ask him to see me, just to say Hi, Im thinking of you and wonder if I can take your dog with ours since I will be in the area then and then...
I do expect him to be after his second chemo week at this time, and I know if I hit the wrong day this will probably not do much good. All I want for him to know is that I am still here, even when I am far away, I do expect I will go ignored. I do not want to message too soon, so he can just focus on the chemo, but also not too late, to seem like I do not care. And I do care enough to try my best to do this right, I am just so lost not having any experience with this illness. No one near me has even gone through chemo, I have no idea what he is going through now.

Thank you very much for the exhaustive response, understanding more about his situation helped very much.

Nikka

[chad-in-berlin]

BTW, the dog walk thing sounds like a great idea. Just don't be offended if you're ignored or rebuffed. Not saying he has a right to be rude to you, it's never cool to do that, even when you have cancer. Just saying it might happen, and if you have it in your heart, try to overlook it without being too hard on him. Cancer makes people weird.

[chad-in-berlin]

Hey Nikka:

The details were very different in my case, but I wanted to chime in because when I was diagnosed I reacted to complex relationships in a similar way. I agree with everyone above: it is unusual, and yes, most often cancer patients appreciate caring. But for my personality type (this is going to get a little psychological, pardon me), cancer doesn't read as a signal that says "Something is wrong and help is needed." It reads as "I am weak right now and I want to go off and be by myself so no one sees me at my worst." That's a common sentiment. What isn't common is that in my case the people I loved weren't exempt.

I froze out the vast majority of my friends. I watched Star Trek alone. I read books. I cooked. I struggled to do things alone, but I did them. I stopped short of freezing out family, but I even needed them to stay back for a bit sometimes. And, more relevant to your situation, I pushed away a wonderful person who cared a lot about me. I was straight up terrible to her throughout chemo. But the way I saw it then, I wanted to be completely alone and as self-reliant as possible, to contradict my fear that the cancer was a judgment the universe placed on me, some ultimate irrefutable proof that I was weak and relied on other people too much.

This person was kind, fearless, and smart. She gave me the space to be a jerk. And eventually -- I don't know, maybe around the first week of the fourth cycle of BEP -- we reconnected in a tremendously deep way. But we would NOT have reconnected if she forced herself to be around me or made me feel guilt for needing to suffer alone. Some people are just like that. True kindness understands that.

I'm not saying I deserved that kindness. I was LUCKY that she had such profound patience and faith in love. I will never, ever forget that. True love, in this case, was her letting me be, and paradoxically, at the end of it all, I've never felt more loved by another person because of that.

I'm also not saying that this guy and you will end up together, no matter what you do during his treatment. Every relationship is different.

The point is, respect his wishes, especially right now. When you're sick with a potentially-fatal disease, you tend to get really serious about the rest of your life. He deserves that. Whatever you are to each other, obviously right now he needs distance from intense relationships of any kind to have the space to evaluate his life with placid wisdom. Your feelings are important too, of course -- I do not at all mean to imply anything to the contrary. Your motivation is genuine care, and you're trying to figure out how to express that to him in the context of this crisis. But when someone's wrestling with their own mortality, no matter how much it hurts you, you owe it to them to respect their wishes, and to have faith that the world will work things out after the crisis is over, whatever that means.

You're brave and kind for caring about him. That's what matters. You just have to figure out what the most generous way to show that care is. In this case, it might be reluctantly stepping into the sidelines for awhile.

Regardless of any of that, I know nothing of his diagnosis but if he's anything like the average TC case, or even on the kinda-not-so-great unlucky Stage III/PC-RPLND side like a few guys on this board and I, HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE OF GETTING THROUGH THIS. So don't panic and keep your mind on that fact whenever you're despairing about the situation. Thanks so much for being an ally to a TC patient -- we need it in different forms, but we all need it!

-Chad

[Nikka0210]

Hey guys, thank you so much for the responses.

I was thinking just a few days ago about what would I do if something happened to me that would make unable to fully care for myself for a while. I was unable to empathise with cancer, I have never had a serious health issue, but I thought of a scenario after all. I would want family near me, friends near me.... but I would definitely not want to see my spouse. I pride myself on my drive, and being able to take care of myself. Seeing a loved one feel sorry for me, being worried, and me being ashamed of not being able to take care of myself would probably kill me. I would beg for him to leave... And then I remembered one of his last texts "Do not text me anymore, please" .. That "please" seemed always out of place to me.

We are similar types in this, very self sufficient, driven people. After he had his surgery I wanted to visit him in the hospital, offered multiple times, he begged me not to go. When he finally came, a week after surgeries (he had complications too) he would not look at me if he could help it. He would be staring at the ceiling, or anywhere else and asked me multiple times if I mind the scars and how ugly they managed to saw him up. They had to open his sack(?) due to internal bleeding and now it basically looks like he has three testicles there, not one. We did meet then once more more, even were intimate against my protests since he was in obvious pain... And then the texts came a week before he was to get his results, but he knew he will probably need chemo even then, he admited to me that he thought he felt the lumps on the testicle before but ignored it until the pulling sensations started.

So my best guess is, if he really is like me, he will not want to see me until he is alright. But I wonder how to let him know I am here without pressuring him. I read offer specific help and not just write "let me know if you need anything" and the only specific help I figured is to ask him if I can take his dog for a walk with mine.

I met his mom years ago, and never met his dad. I do have his phone number since he is a business man, but I think I would be out of place to use it. I am a stranger to them after all.. He has quite a few good friends, and a neighbor checking up on him, plus as I know him, he has strong will to live, I do not worry about that much.

Nikka