Break up soon after diagnosis

[Nikka0210]

Hi,

I was dating a guy I knew for a while for 3 months when he got diagnosed. He went to surgery and then he was waiting for his doctor's appointment to know the results of all the tests to know whats next.

All was fine between us before the diagnosis, after it, he seemed tired of course, but mostly in good spirits. I was ready to go through this with him, whatever was to come. Years before when we dated first time he got ran over by a car in front of me and I took care of him then before he broke it off. He told me after all that time he did that he did it because he felt overly grateful(in debt?) to me...

Anyway, I sent him some messages that I wanted to see him and talk about some future stuff, I emphasized it was nothing serious, and that I loved him a bit more with every visit and just want to talk over some stuff. The answer was basically that we should stop seeing each other then, he doesnt want to do anything he is not sure of and that I should stop writing him .. Then I got completely ignored, would not pick up a call, would not let me know how the apointment even went next week. I did manage to make him answer one text where I said I am really worried about him and just want to know what's up, if he is ignoring me hoping I would disappear or just needs space. He replied he is sorry to be like that, he just doesnt want to deal with any of this, that he realized a couple of reasons why he doesnt want to be with me, that he is getting chemo (now I have to worry how long that is in his case) and he definitely does not want to deal with anything but that. And then some guilty sentence at the end, like he showed me life can be fun at least.
I am pretty sure he pushed me away "to protect" me, and not that he did not care.

Anyone have experience with being broken up with after diagnosis? Did the person come aroud in time?

I left him alone since then, it's been two weeks since our last contact. I wonder what I can do to help, or how I can let him know I am here if he needs me.. I want him to have his space, but at the same time do not want him to think I would just abandon him like that. He has a dog, I was wondering if just asking him something like , "Im in the area, I can take your dog for a walk with mine if you wish." or if I am stupid asuming he cannot even walk his dog.

I know 3 months are not much or anything, but he is worth fighting for to me

Thank you

Nikka

[Davepet]

I can't recall hearing of anything like this before, but there seems to be a pattern here with the prior experience so it kinda sounds like an odd personality flaw to me.I'm not sure how one could build a life with someone like that, after all, part of what helps us deal with all the ups & downs of life is having someone to share/deal with them.I don't know what to tell you, what he is doing just doesn't sound normal to me. Most of us really appreciate the support of significant others, & many of those without support seem to wish for it.

Good luck & please keep us posted on how it turns out.

Dave

[Kiwi]

Nikka - he might be taking it hard and have fears and thinking the worst and then it a very personal guy cancer too so this might be an issue, stay in touch and let him know that you are there - hopefully he will come around - can you check with a fam member or someone else - he might be depressed which would need to be watched.

[Nikka0210]

Hey guys, thank you so much for the responses.

I was thinking just a few days ago about what would I do if something happened to me that would make unable to fully care for myself for a while. I was unable to empathise with cancer, I have never had a serious health issue, but I thought of a scenario after all. I would want family near me, friends near me.... but I would definitely not want to see my spouse. I pride myself on my drive, and being able to take care of myself. Seeing a loved one feel sorry for me, being worried, and me being ashamed of not being able to take care of myself would probably kill me. I would beg for him to leave... And then I remembered one of his last texts "Do not text me anymore, please" .. That "please" seemed always out of place to me.

We are similar types in this, very self sufficient, driven people. After he had his surgery I wanted to visit him in the hospital, offered multiple times, he begged me not to go. When he finally came, a week after surgeries (he had complications too) he would not look at me if he could help it. He would be staring at the ceiling, or anywhere else and asked me multiple times if I mind the scars and how ugly they managed to saw him up. They had to open his sack(?) due to internal bleeding and now it basically looks like he has three testicles there, not one. We did meet then once more more, even were intimate against my protests since he was in obvious pain... And then the texts came a week before he was to get his results, but he knew he will probably need chemo even then, he admited to me that he thought he felt the lumps on the testicle before but ignored it until the pulling sensations started.

So my best guess is, if he really is like me, he will not want to see me until he is alright. But I wonder how to let him know I am here without pressuring him. I read offer specific help and not just write "let me know if you need anything" and the only specific help I figured is to ask him if I can take his dog for a walk with mine.

I met his mom years ago, and never met his dad. I do have his phone number since he is a business man, but I think I would be out of place to use it. I am a stranger to them after all.. He has quite a few good friends, and a neighbor checking up on him, plus as I know him, he has strong will to live, I do not worry about that much.

Nikka

[chad-in-berlin]

Hey Nikka:

The details were very different in my case, but I wanted to chime in because when I was diagnosed I reacted to complex relationships in a similar way. I agree with everyone above: it is unusual, and yes, most often cancer patients appreciate caring. But for my personality type (this is going to get a little psychological, pardon me), cancer doesn't read as a signal that says "Something is wrong and help is needed." It reads as "I am weak right now and I want to go off and be by myself so no one sees me at my worst." That's a common sentiment. What isn't common is that in my case the people I loved weren't exempt.

I froze out the vast majority of my friends. I watched Star Trek alone. I read books. I cooked. I struggled to do things alone, but I did them. I stopped short of freezing out family, but I even needed them to stay back for a bit sometimes. And, more relevant to your situation, I pushed away a wonderful person who cared a lot about me. I was straight up terrible to her throughout chemo. But the way I saw it then, I wanted to be completely alone and as self-reliant as possible, to contradict my fear that the cancer was a judgment the universe placed on me, some ultimate irrefutable proof that I was weak and relied on other people too much.

This person was kind, fearless, and smart. She gave me the space to be a jerk. And eventually -- I don't know, maybe around the first week of the fourth cycle of BEP -- we reconnected in a tremendously deep way. But we would NOT have reconnected if she forced herself to be around me or made me feel guilt for needing to suffer alone. Some people are just like that. True kindness understands that.

I'm not saying I deserved that kindness. I was LUCKY that she had such profound patience and faith in love. I will never, ever forget that. True love, in this case, was her letting me be, and paradoxically, at the end of it all, I've never felt more loved by another person because of that.

I'm also not saying that this guy and you will end up together, no matter what you do during his treatment. Every relationship is different.

The point is, respect his wishes, especially right now. When you're sick with a potentially-fatal disease, you tend to get really serious about the rest of your life. He deserves that. Whatever you are to each other, obviously right now he needs distance from intense relationships of any kind to have the space to evaluate his life with placid wisdom. Your feelings are important too, of course -- I do not at all mean to imply anything to the contrary. Your motivation is genuine care, and you're trying to figure out how to express that to him in the context of this crisis. But when someone's wrestling with their own mortality, no matter how much it hurts you, you owe it to them to respect their wishes, and to have faith that the world will work things out after the crisis is over, whatever that means.

You're brave and kind for caring about him. That's what matters. You just have to figure out what the most generous way to show that care is. In this case, it might be reluctantly stepping into the sidelines for awhile.

Regardless of any of that, I know nothing of his diagnosis but if he's anything like the average TC case, or even on the kinda-not-so-great unlucky Stage III/PC-RPLND side like a few guys on this board and I, HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE OF GETTING THROUGH THIS. So don't panic and keep your mind on that fact whenever you're despairing about the situation. Thanks so much for being an ally to a TC patient -- we need it in different forms, but we all need it!

-Chad

[chad-in-berlin]

BTW, the dog walk thing sounds like a great idea. Just don't be offended if you're ignored or rebuffed. Not saying he has a right to be rude to you, it's never cool to do that, even when you have cancer. Just saying it might happen, and if you have it in your heart, try to overlook it without being too hard on him. Cancer makes people weird.

[Nikka0210]

Dear Chad,

Thank you so much for the lengthy answer and congratulations on your recent win over this illness! It does give some hope. I feel the worst thing is just not knowing what is happening. It honestly almost sent me to a psych then. But whatever I feel or am going through does not matter nearly as much than him being healthy again.

I really do not mean to be pushy, I did send him the last message two weeks ago exactly. I am just wondering how much time until I can try again, maybe with the dog walk idea. Not even to ask him to see me, just to say Hi, Im thinking of you and wonder if I can take your dog with ours since I will be in the area then and then...
I do expect him to be after his second chemo week at this time, and I know if I hit the wrong day this will probably not do much good. All I want for him to know is that I am still here, even when I am far away, I do expect I will go ignored. I do not want to message too soon, so he can just focus on the chemo, but also not too late, to seem like I do not care. And I do care enough to try my best to do this right, I am just so lost not having any experience with this illness. No one near me has even gone through chemo, I have no idea what he is going through now.

Thank you very much for the exhaustive response, understanding more about his situation helped very much.

Nikka

[Kiwi]

Was he a "guy guy" could he be highly concerned about is "masculinity" being demonise or concern re the sex and father hood type things? He would be fine of both fronts though. Hard one to get around unless you know whats in his head.

[Nikka0210]

Hey Kiwi,

I would call him manly, for fatherhood he had his sperm frozen and for the rest I do not know. Also, I think I forgot to mention that when he called me with the diagnosis, he specifically said I got him out of "crap" (car accident, bathing) once and he definitely does not want me to do it again. So I guess that feeling won.

For now, I sent him a quick message since I guessed he was after first chemo week In hopes to cheer him up and let him know I am still here even through our messy history. Something like, I am thinking of you, I know you are bravely fighting, I was thinking of taking your dog with us on a walk, just let me know any time
It is up to him now I guess. So far I am being ignored, but I did expect that.

If there is something new I let you all know, but I guess it is time to leave him in peace. I can only hope he will find it in his heart to at least tell me when he is alright some day.

Nikka

[Nikka0210]

Hey Guys,

Here is the promised update in case of news.

I sent him a text once a month, once with the offer of help, then a month later with a stupid joke about hair loss. All came without response, of course.
Then, one drunk night, I sent him a very looooong letter. It was not the "I miss you, wish we didn't break up, love you" kind of deal. It was more of a "leveled thinking" writing. Something like "Hey, I am writing this letter so you can read it any time, I am sorry for my messed up texts, I was inteding to see you once more, before you want your space during treatment and I wanted to ask you what you need from me then and I did expect, we would not see each other for extended periods of time. I did not expect the ignorance, but in a way I get it. I think I would do the same, wanting you to be happy and not to bring you down like that. This was no ones fault, I dont blame you, I dont judge you. I do wonder how you are doing, and maybe one day you will wanna tell me how you did, or maybe you will just write "What's up" and we will talk like in the old times. I am here for you, always "

It was really long, but something like that. Well, I sent it over a week ago and he finally called me today. It was just a very awkward and nervious "How are you doing, what's new call" but I think as a first step great.

Thank you all for the support, I would not have made it without you

Nikka

[Davepet]

I hope things continue to progress for you.He's probably about done with chemo nlow ( assuming it was 3xBEP), & maybe ready to come to his senses.

Dave

[Nikka0210]

Hey,

Well no senses came to him after all. I saw him during the weekend, what came to him were chemo side effects and what I understand is severe pain in fingers (cannot type on a keyboard, squeeze toothpaste without pain), he was offered disability pension, doctors unsure if it will resolve on it's own once chemo leaves his body. He is to get some results on Wednesday and then final ones in January. But he is out of energy. He said if they tell him to go for another chemo, that the 3 rounds werent enought, that he will not go again since the pain in the fingers is too much for him to live with and he is not happy about possibly making it worse. I tried to talk him a bit out of it, but did not find the right arguments in the moment. I am pondering my options on how to help, since, to me as a third party, that decision does not make much sense.
I think I figured out something I would like to say to him to try to make him move forward in case the three rounds weren't enough, I asked him if we see each other again, he was unsure, I am not sure if he picks up the phone, but I think I should try before his appointment. If the results come out bad I am pretty sure I will not hear from him.

Any possible advice is welcome and I thank you before hand.

Nikka

[jjjw2835]

I wonder if the pain is from neuropathy. I was put on a drug called gabapentin for pain u may want to suggest it if possible

[Davepet]

I assume you don't know the details of his case? (Path report, ct & marker results?) Generally, only in very severe cases would BEPx4 be needed, if he is on EP only, than 4 rounds are needed to insure a cure.
Dave

[Nikka0210]

I asked him and he knew only it was a malignant tumor, cancer spread to his blood. He just listened to the doctors on what to do, but not about what hit him. I asked him if they talked to him about any other possible surgery, he said he was not listening to the diagnosis part, so I asked again if they mentioned anything about another surgery and he said no. I was curious as I believe they would have mentioned it in case his lymph nodes were enlarged, so my hopes are that he did not have it severe.

He said that he had three rounds and that his chemo is finished and now they are testing to make sure . Thanks for letting me know that unless it was really bad this should be enough, you gave me some peace of mind. Thank you!

Nikka