Husband Starts 1xBEP Today scared and venting

[melanie]

So scared I dont even know what to do with myself. All the what ifs floating around that I cant get control of. I dont know if I am strong enough to hold everything together. Worried about how the kids will handle seeing dad sick, dealing with inconsiderate family/friends, worried I wont know how to take care of him right, or miss something important. What if I dont ask the right questions, he has a bad reaction, or gets really sick, or has lots of pain, or we make the wrong choice about something, what if 1x isnt enough, what if it comes back, are our doctors good enough.....and I still need live my normal life- cooking, cleaning, groceries shopping, pay bills, walk the dog, do all the mom stuff (errands, appointments, playdates, homework, baths, bedtimes...etc)..I know its just one day at a time and breath in and out, but somehow that doesnt help at all.

[Violet0729]

Alot going through your mind right now and I understand you completely because im the same way. Today we are getting ct scan results and you can imagine what is going through my mind. This is like a bad nightmare we are all going through but once all its over then everything will be ok. Hang in there and just try keeping busy, i know its hard because we dont want to see our loved ones in pain or anything but just remember that hes going to be ok after everything is over. We are only human and as wifes we worry alot. Think about it... if you and I were going through something similar im sure our husbands would be there for us too. Sending you hugs Melanie and keep us updated ok

[Chemin]

Melanie, vent away. It's a very scary and uncertain time. You will be strong for your husband and family because you have to be. You will take each day as it comes. And you will take that quiet time when you're alone and cry your eyes out. My outlet was when I was alone, driving in the car. My son is over 4 years cancer free and he hasn't missed a beat. He lives his life and is molded by his cancer experience , but doesn't let it define him. Hang in there. Come back often to vent and let us know how you and your husband are doing.

[melanie]

Thank you both! He is handling it fine so far. I wish our doc was more communicative but I guess cause TC is pretty straight forward that is why he is a little flippant about it. Home now so I can get the kids from school so and get dinner going. The infusions take forever. I cant wait for this to be over!!!!
Violet-Keep us posted about CT!
Chemin- SO happy to hear your boy is ok!!!

[Violet0729]

Melanie how did it go? Hows your husband feeling?

[HouTex]

As the husband, and with 6 and 5 year old girls at the time, my wife was an amazing support. The thought of dying and leaving these kids and my wife brought to my knees all of the time. I could barely hold it together in the beginning.

My wife's support distilled to 1, looking at me with tears welling in her eyes, "We will get through this together." 2, spooning behind me at night (I was the spooner but couldn't for a while).

And finally and most important of all 3, she held my hand differently than before. A more firm grasp that seemed to say 'I am here, always'. Now nearly 8 years out from the start she holds my hand softly like back to when we were dating.

So know that while you process your stuff that we husbands have no clue of, it is the simple and direct things that will have more impact on us than you can know.

[melanie]

Violet-He is still there! 8am-6pm today! I was there most of the day but home now for the kids. So far he feels fine. The IV ativan helped a lot too and everyone says it takes a few days to start feeling crumby. Will be so excited to put this behind us!
HouTex- THANK YOU! Your words are very powerful and I appreciate them deeply.

[Davepet]

worried I wont know how to take care of him right, or miss something important.

All you really need to do is feed him food he is willing to eat, make sure he follow Dr instructions& be there for him.There is no hidden magic to getting through chemo. There is nothig to miss.

What if I dont ask the right questions, he has a bad reaction, or gets really sick, or has lots of pain,

If he has a bad reaction, gets sick, or has pain, you go to the ER, just like you always would. If you don't ask the right question, you don't get the right answers, but chances are no harm comes from it.

or we make the wrong choice about something, what if 1x isnt enough, what if it comes back, are our doctors good enough.

.

There are no wrong choices, if it comes back there is further treatment that can be used, there are experts to consult with if your docs aren't figuring it out, but really this treatment is pretty straightforward. The odds are strongly in your favor that he will join the thousands of guys cured of their cancer.

Keep posting his progress on this forum, you will get good advice, & if anything seems "wrong" you will be notified, most likely by several of us.

Dave

[melanie]

Thank you, Dave. In just the few short weeks on this board you have been such a help to me. In responses to my posts and reading your responses to others. Thank you for sticking round after your own battles to give back to us struggling comers.

[Ann]

Melanie - Thinking about you as day two gets underway. We all know how you are feeling, and you can do this.

[JoesMum]

Also Melanie don't try to do too much. If your kids miss a playdate or a sport apt, it's not the end of the world. You are already a super-mum and super-wife, don't put too much of a load on yourself. Our experience tells us your hubby will be fine. You can do it.

[melanie]

Monday night was awful for me. I couldn't stop crying and didn't sleep at all. Tuesday was a blur. Last night I was able to sleep and this morning (day3) I feel more rested and a bit stronger.

I can feel the panic sitting in the background and have to work not to think about all the unknowns (serious long term side effects, serious short term complications, recurrence, a second TC, worrying about our son getting it one day too...) as well as the daily worries of his and the children's immediate well being. I feel like I am balancing on the edge of a knife blade.

Friends and family are not helpful at all. They mean well I know but just cause more stress when asking tons of questions, wanting to visit, saying things that induce fear, and giving you the pity look. I can't take it. I wish no one had to know.

As for my husband, he is feeling like he has the flu (achy, exhausted, mild nausea) He is also scared which amplifies him noticing every little thing. Steroids are making him grumpy too which he hates because he is seriously the MOST laid back, sweet, patient human I have ever met. Emotions are running high for him. This morning he cried cause he felt I didn't wake him up to go to infusion at the right time. So out of character. I guess he felt rushed, which made me feel terrible but I have 3 kids to get out the door in the morning as well and there isn't much wiggle room time wise to get everyone where they need to be. He wants to drive himself there and back but I wont let him. He is way too woozy, tired, and weak for him to be safe driving.

Once he was at the infusion center he was calmer. All most like he feels safer and more able to relax there than at home. I think home reminds him of normal life and since he feels so far from normal it gives him anxiety. He didn't want me to stay with him today. He just wants to rest and if I am there he feels the need to take care of me on some level. He is too sweet and worried about how everyone else is. I keep telling him we are fine and here for him so let yourself be cared for, but it is so unnatural for him. Always the strong one, the independent one, the do-er, the caretaker.

Things are feeling a bit scarier for the kids now too. Seeing Dad feeling crumby is so unsettling for them and routine changes don't help either. I worry how they will be as things progress. I hate that this has to be part of their childhood. It breaks my heart

We are only on day 3 and I hear it just gets worse before it gets better which is terrifying since we are barley holding on as it is. Maybe we will get our bearings more by then, but I have no idea.

Day by day. Just keep reminding myself this WILL end eventually. And I pray it will be over for good. I still can't believe this is real....

[Trekga]

Everyone reacts differently to chemo. Your hubby will get through it, you will get through it, and your kids will as well. It is HARD on body and mind though. Only a few more days, and no other rounds, correct? Hang in there!!!

[melanie]

Thanks. Yes, just the 1 round

[MTS1994]

Sorry this is so hard on you and your family. I had 3x BEP in the summer and I definitely had my struggles at times. Good thing is he only has 1 round and not 3! Just know this will all be behind you and your family soon and things can get back to normal!