would love some advice!

[Lauren20]

hi everyone im new here. Well its hardly recently but i guess it was about three months ago now that my boyfriend (or rather ex boyfriend) was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He is only 24 and i am only 20.
Im very confused about what might be going on in his head and what might be happening to him. He was diagnosed at the end of may and i have only spoken to him three times since then. He ended it with me two months ago because he couldt deal with a relationship. However since then he has told me he does miss me and has feelings for me still. If this is the case i dont understand why i cant be there for him. He has refused to see me since he was diagnosedand i dont have any idea where i stand.

Also he told me he had gone to the states for treatment (laser or something like that) although he is now back. I have never heard of such a treatment.. i wonder whether he said this so as not to have to see me. Does anyone know anything about this laser treatment. I cant be of more help because he wont talk to me about it, i dont know what kind of testicular cancer, or how serious it was. All i know is he had an operation but i dont know what for. Any help greatly appreciated. im so confused (

[dadmo]

Lauren:
Being pushed away by a boyfriend is so common in this situation that I wish I did have an explanation. All I can tell you it not about anything you did it’s a problem of him dealing with his cancer.
As far as his treatment it sounds right if you meant radiation rather then laser. Radiation is a standard treatment for one form of testicular cancer. The operation he mentioned will be the one to remove the testicle that had cancer, again that’s a standard practice.

[Lauren20]

well yeah first he said he was having radiotherapy but he said it really hurt and he was having private treatment instead which was the laser therapy followed by some chemo in a month or so. I duuno i guess he is the only one who can give me the answers. It so frustrating becasue he wont talk to me!!

[dadmo]

Keep checking in here. I'd be surprised if some of the Mom's and girlfriends don't give you some advise.

[Scott]

I'm not sure he's telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

[Lauren20]

i thought he probably wasnt

[Mom]

Oh Lauren, men can be such jerks.... I think this disease has so much to do with the male psyche that we as females just don't understand. I am not sure my son would have done as well as he did if he didn't have his fiancee; however, I think if he was not in a committed relationship he would have walked away. He would not have wanted anyone to see him sick, fat and bald. It was difficult for me to see him like that. The only thing I can suggest is to have patience with him and support him if he asks. This is a life changing event for him and he is dealing with some pretty emotional stuff. My son would not let us tell anyone about his cancer (except immediate family) until his treatment was over. He went to work after hours so that he did not have to deal with people. He told his friends about the diagnosis but nothing else. Even though I went through this disease with my husband and I knew first hand it was curable, it was terrifying going through it with my son. This forum is just wonderful support. It is interesting to see all of the different reactions and perspectives. Bottom line, he has to work this out. Be there for him, do not hound him, do not pity him, make him laugh.

[Lauren20]

Thank you it does make things easier seeing how other people close to those with cancer deal with it. i just seems like i have gone through every approach possible. he is contacting me now and again. I just wonder if after three months its time to let ago. i just want him better, sounds so simple doesnt it

[wannalive]

Some comments

Hello I can sympathyse with your friend,
I also didn't tell anyone except my brother
I even didn't accept anyone to the hospital yesterday, as they can see this is urology department (although not clearly mentioned) and can ask me more questions

One point is I don't want to be seen weak laying on the bed
as this is still I can handle my self
I would call people only if I'm in a terminal position to see last time

Second I already feel bad and my friends looks will make me even worse
also whereever I go after this is over, people will look at me differently
this is not a normal disease, but I want to forget about it afterwards

and there will be some silly people making jokes about this, which will result in negative feelings and anger

only person could be a partner or family members

I'm happy to hear your seeing each other again, I think this is it, you have break the ice now

Cheers
Bekir

[Chris'Mom]

Lauren, my son also ended a long relationship with his girlfriend who went thru so much with him....after chemo and surgery, he started acting differently and I think she is the one who ended it...but because of the way Chris was acting...he regrets so much now, but I think it is too late.....he says now he wants to stay out of any relationships while in college, just have fun...and that was never how Chris was......I sometimes read about Lance Armstrong, leaving longterm relationships...and going out and having fun, but I can't blame him, he went thru so much....and is young...and they have to find their own way to deal with life after this cancer. Keep in touch...Mary Ellen

[Lori]

Lauren, this disease is so very difficult for everyone it touches. My husband is very open about his cancer and will talk to anyone and everyone if it is the medical side - he has a very hard time dealing with the emotions of others as in his words "it reminds him how sick he is" We've been dealing with this since May and he is slowly letting the emotional side show to others. I say to myself, no one but the person with cancer knows what they are going through, the best I can do is be there when he wants to talk, to make him laugh and to give as much encouragement as I can.

Stay strong for your friend, be there for him when he reaches out to you and during the other times reach out to him yourself. But please don't be disappointed if he doesn't respond. Just know you are doing the best you can.

[Lauren20]

thanks for all your advice guys. i spoke to him today. he still wont talk about whats wrong with him and says he know longer wants anything to do with me and we will never see each other again. maybe i remind him of his life before cancer and cant bare to be reminded of it. i dont know.

But thank you anyway... to all of you battling cancer the very best of luck and of course its easy for me to say because im not going through it but try and keep those close to you around you and let them be there for you. Ive seen with my ex what happens when people push away everyone and although its his way of dealing with it i can see in the long run that this will not make it happy.

Good luck everyone and take care. x x

[Scott]

I'm sorry, Lauren.