wives/girlfriends who've gone through this, please help!

[kismet11]

my unofficial boyfriend was diagnosed with TC this week and is having surgery tomorrow. i currently feel so hlepless because we live in different cities, and haven't been able to really talk about this at all. i don't know what to do, i want to help him through this, but have no experience dealing with something so serious. i deeply care about him and its a new relationship thats just starting. i'm afraid he'll feel like i should just move on, but i want to show him i care and would not leave him because of this. anyone who's been there, if you could give me any advice at all, i would appreciate it so much! thank you

[Michael112]

check ur private messages.

[kismet11]

update! ---- surgery went very well and he's doing ok!! recovering at home right this minute. i am so utterly grateful!!!

[Russell's Mom]

hope this helps

Hi, What you are telling us is what you can be telling him. It is a spin out for everyone, and being honest in the moment is the key, even if that is just to say that you are confused, etc.!! People will respect the honesty after the confusion settles....it leaves a solid ground to stand on. If the relationship changes, then understanding will happen and both of you will end up in a strong place to take a new step from. My oldest son is a white water river guide. The river has taught me many lessons. I know that teaming up through the rapids can bring on a strength that you never knew you had. Sometimes you get tossed out of the boat...I watch my son..ok in the boat and ok out of the boat! TC will take you down the river, in the boat, out of the boat, with a team and all alone and there always seems to be a sandy beach somewhere along the ride. I hope to learn the same kind of skills as getting down the river...it is better than sitting on the shore. Take care and know that you are normal!!! Russell's Mom, Sharon

[Jilleighn]

I am a wife of a TC surviver and can tell you for me the road was not easy. I let him know every day that he is loved and cared for. No matter what I would be there for him. Just being there for him and helping him throguh anything helped him a great deal. Do not try to hide your feelings and let him knw how you feel. THe biggest thing is to be honest. It was very difficult for me when my husband was diagonised because of my 18month old daughter.

[Individuation]

Do not try to hide your feelings and let him knw how you feel. THe biggest thing is to be honest..

I agree with this whole heartedly. There were times that I was trying to be stronger than I was and my stress was so high that we'd get into fights, while my boyfriend was going through chemo. When we finally started talking, I found out that, although he was ill, he wanted to be there for me too. There were times we just sat and held each other... just reassured each other how much the other was loved and that we'd get through it together.

And we did.

[Hopeful]

When my boyfriend (future husband) was diagnosed on 7/16/06, he kept talking all day about having cancer. But he kept talking about being a person with cancer but not how he felt about it. I remember, we went to bed that night and I started to silently cry. He looked at me and said "i'll be fine". I said I knew that but I was worried because he wasn't talking about how HE personally felt about the cancer. He started talking and crying and talking and crying and more talking about how he felt. I'm so glad he opened up because if he hadn't I knew our relationship wouldn't last.

Just be there for him and MAKE him talk or find someone to talk to. Don't give advice or judgment but just listen. I think that's the best thing.

I'm glad he's doing great.

Patti

[doctorwhogirlie]

i have no idea whats going on....

well im really glad that i found this forum...
my boyfriend of almost three weeks had a barrell fall on him and almost crush his chest on monday. he then had to be rushed to the hospital and was lucky to come out wiht only a broken rib. however, they did a cat scan or mri (he couldnt remember which) and found something that they didnt like around his genitals. i tried to comfort him but last night he freaked out and said he just had too much on his plate. so i told him i would leave him alone for a while (ps. he lives 8-9 hours from me in a different state). earlier today, before he heard anything, he told me that he was sorry for hurting me....

so now he doesnt know if he wants to break up or not and wont really talk to me much....

i dont know how to support him or what to do to let him know that i love him and just want to help....

he knows that im worried and has to deal with his family worrying and i just dont know how to help or what to do or whatever....


so anything anybody can say would be of great help!!! thank you so much!!

[djmac]

Hi Doctorwhogirlie,

While I was getting diagnosed, I thought about breaking up with my wonderful girlfriend. I even thought about not telling her why. That was because I realized how special she was and I didn't want her to go through any pain. I'm glad I didn't because she has been a pillar of support for me, and now we are talking about marriage. She said she would stay with me no matter what, and help me through it.

I guess she also worried that I grew closer to her because of fear of the reaper. We talked about that, too, and I assured her that if I didn't have such deep feelings for her, I would wake up and take initiative to find someone I want... someone else.

I think something like TC makes you set some priorities in your life. This is mine now... to get married, to keep my career on track, and to survive. No different than most people I guess.

Just bring up these points with him. Ask him if he feels guilty for putting you through this (I know I did... I kept apologizing to her). Be blunt, there's really no reason to beat around the bush.

Best of Luck to both of you!

djm

[doctorwhogirlie]

thank you so much djm...

before he went to bed tonight, he sent me a text message saying that he just wanted to let me know that he isnt going to break up with me. so to that i responded that i love him and when he is ready to talk, i'll be here. i just hope that i can be as strong as your girlfriend.

[doctorwhogirlie]

i just wanted to thank everybody for their help and support. however, my boyfriend and i broke up last night with him realizing that the feelings he thought he felt for me were not, in fact, real and that he feels sorry for saying things that werent true and hurting me. i feel upset for him and wish him well, but there is nothing that i can do to try to change his mind and he revealed to me that he isnt the person that i thought he was. i dont understand the signs that he was sending before, but whatever they were or that he thought he felt, is no longer there and therefore, i just wanted to ask everybody for their thoughts and prayers for him in his time of need, because he refuses to ask for help from anybody.

thanks to everyone!!

meredith