Terrified and Overwhelmed

[Renea Rosson]

Well it has been almost four weeks since I lost my son to this disease called cancer. Right after Derick was gone, I tried to pick myself up right away, show everyone my strength, move on as everyone keeps saying but now four weeks out, it is finally all coming down on me. My strength is diminished, I'm depressed, I cry all the time, sleep only happens with medication and boy do I have many unanswered questions. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm bitter but at the same time I'm thankful because I know my son was saved and is with the Lord. I do take comfort in that fact but I don't take comfort in the fact that he was only 26 and had three daughters who needed him. I know his youngest who is 2 will never remember him. We can show her pics and talk to her about him but she won't remember his voice or his smile. I tried so hard to be pro active in Dericks healing. I did all the research, I thought I had done all the right things. Although there were many mistakes made in Derick's case. From the beginning, he was misdiagnoised. Several months passed before he was correctly diagnoised. Not that that would have changed things but it just angers me that those types of mistakes are made and it doesn't affect the person making the mistake but the life who was depending on the right diagnoises. Right now, I'm in pain, mentally, emotionally and physically. Most days, I don't want to get up and go to work. I know I have to and I have to put on a different face while at work but once I get home in the solice of my environment, all the emotions begin to surface. My family tries to help, they have tried to surround themselves around me to help to take my mind off Derick but I've told them that's not possible. My oldest son is also experiencing alot of depression. He stays in his apartment most of the time which is a basement apartment, no windows and the lights off. I know some of this is normal after a loss but I truly am concerned. I'm usually such a strong woman and Tim (my oldest son) is such a strong man but this has really beaten us. We have heard all the "it will get better in time", "life goes on", etc. but for me life hasn't gone on. I guess I just needed to vent a little here. I really do appreciate this site and all that are on here. I pray that for each of you, LIFE DOES GO ON. Continue to LIVESTRONG. Derick did everyday. Renea

[justinsmom]

Renea, I am sure you are too consumed with Derick's situation to check this site much, but just wanted to let you know I'm out here praying for God's peace to envelope you....Isaiah 26: 3-4 , Phil. 4:7 one TC mom to another, God Bless, Lanette <><

[Jilleighn]

I am sorry your son is having a hard time. I hope things start to improve. I will say that Dr. Roth is an amazing man. He is one of my husbands doctors and he is very straight forth and does not sugar coat anything.

[justinsmom]

Hi Renea, I haven't been on the site much since the 1st of the year so just saw your posts....I know you have tons of support through all the awesome members of this site, but wanted to let you know as a born again believer I am a prayer warrior and God is good. He WILL get you through this, but He definitely will teach you about "trusting Him" I believed it, and said it but I literally got taught it througout my son's ordeal...Remember that when you have put your faith & trust in Him you have already "passed from death (separation) unto life" (John 5:24) so you can fully trust Him to lead you, to carry you, to shoulder the burden...He knew your son in your womb(Psalm 139) and He alone knows his days so I will pray wisdom for the Drs. and strength for you and his wife....My son was 20 when diagnosed and engaged so I know the pull you have as a mom, this is your "baby" yet his wife, and it can be difficult to know where the boundaries are and yet he's still your child....I will pray for you all, In Christ, Lanette ><> Remember since God holds the whole world in His hands....... don't you think He can carry you?

[Renea Rosson]

WOW I hadn't thought of that but I'm sure you're right. I don't have time for that right now but I'm sure when all is said and done, I will lose it for a day or two but I'll be praising the good Lord for the many blessings. Thanks Dadmo for the forewarning. Renea

[dadmo]

I'm sorry your son is having such a bad time. The whirlwind of activity taking care of you son will keep you to busy to break down just be ready for an emotional avalanche when the pressure is off.

[Renea Rosson]

Goodmorning all. Boy it has bee a whirlwind since I spoke with Robert on Friday. Derick got out of the hospital on Saturday night and by 3 a.m. Monday, we were back at the hospital. Derick was in severe pain in his abdomen. He has not been able to have a bowel movement in over a week. The doctors first said it was just gas pains and then they came back and said he has what they called an Ileus. After running blood work, they immediately admitted him because he is now neutropenic (zero white count). Which means he has been placed in isolation. They are running fluids wide open and now have him on a pain pump using Dilaudid. They initally were going to catherize him and preform another procedure to relieve the stomach pressure but the doctor decided against it because with him being neutropenic they did not want to introduce any foreign objects into his body. The doctor said the main goal right now was to control his pain and get his white count up and they we would address the other problems. Right now, Derick is also experiencing alot of anxiety and depression. He has been very irritable and snappy at his wife and myself. I just kind of let it roll off my back because I've done enough reading up that I was expecting it but I think it really hurts his wife's feelings because she's not quite understanding all that is going on right now. Yes, I am trying to check into some support groups especially for his wife. Right now, I don't feel that I have time to devote to one. I know, I know, I really should take that time but my main focus is in being proactive in my sons healing. I'll take time for me later. Thanks everyone for all the support I receive right here. Renea

[ivannabanana]

Renea

I just read your last post there... I cannot imagine being in your shoes right now...My husband has been lucky (stage lll, extragonadal germcell tumour Seminoma, size of small melon, reduced to 4cm with 4XBEP)He is doing well trying hard to get back to normal... I know how scared iwas and compared to what your son is going through we had it alot easier.... I hope that your son goes ahead wyth the treatment...Derick if your reading thys please go for it, your young and you can beat thys horrible disease... Yes its a big upheavable to your family life having to shift homes for 60 days but look at the half full glass not the half empty one... We,re all rootin for you on here,And the way i look at it, God has been wyth you all thru thys he wont leave you half way, he there for you right all the way thru the treatment....It can be done,and i know you scared, who wouldnt be, but your in good hands, and your mum is being great advocate for you... Just thynk how you will feel when u have beaten thys, you'll be on top of the world, knowing you beat Cancer...Stick wyth it Derrick, just focus on getting better... tell yourself your geting better and you will feel better....I find myself thynking about your situation when im on my own or even standing in a que for groceries....Your in my prayers, not only to get better but to help you make decisions, Renea your a wonderful mum, and hard as it is you will manage... Bless , yvonne

[Renea Rosson]

Sorry guys, left off the addresses. Derick Danko, 26 Virginia Terrace, Clarksville, TN 37040. Renea Rosson, 2256 Old Russellville Pike, Clarksville, TN 37040.

Just let me go ahead and say, THANKS. So many are already responding and I do draw strenght from every one of you. Robert, you are awesome and I'm so thankful to have you in my corner. Thanks for taking my call last night. You were a huge comfort to me when I needed to talk about the process. Thanks for offering your support with logistics. Derick has spent the day with his older brother. I'm not sure which effect that is going to have because Tim was preparing to move back to Arizona. He moved here to help Derick but can't make the money here that he did in AZ. I've tried to let Tim know that he also has to do for himself because Derick wants him happy too. Anyway, so many things are going on in Clarksville and I know we'll get through this. Robert, I'll be in touch with you. As of today, we are scheduled to start the chemo one week from today. Keep your fingers crossed. Thanks Again, Renea

[Renea Rosson]

ZERO chances of survival. Those are mighty harsh words but those were the words that rang throughout my ears yesterday as Derick and I met with the Oncologist and Stem Cell transplant doctor at Vanderbilt. From all indications, Derick is what is called chemorefractory which means that since he already underwent the initial four rounds of BEP (first chemo) and his body rejected that chemo because his tumor markers never went to normal and within 30 days had already begun to rise, this is an indication that Derick's body rejects chemotherapy. Therefore, Dericks only chances of survival is to have a stem cell transplant. Ok, you say, do it. well, even with the stem cell transplant Derick is only given a 30-35% chance of survival. The stem cell transplant will require him to live in Nashville for a minimum of 60 days with a 24 hour care giver which would definitely be me. Actually, Derick will have to have two stem cell transplants 30 days apart. Tuesday, Derick is scheduled to enter Gateway Hospital to begin his high dose chemotherapy to prepare him for this transplant. He is still not sure this is what he wants to do but the decision must be made quickly. The doctors tell us that if Derick starts this treatment and does not go through with the stem cell transplant, his window of opportunity has passed and the only thing that will be available to him would be clinical trials and at this time there are no good clinical trials for his type of cancer. They tell us that if Derick does not start this process, that his tumors will continue to grow and grow very quickly and that his prognosis at this point would be that he might live a year. The 30-35% chance doesn't tell us how long he might live only that he has that much of a chance of survival at all. They also tell us that Derick will have to undergo several surgeries after the stem cell transplant. Yesterday you could see just how overwhelming it was to him. His initial response was forget it. I'm not doing this, I can't be away from my family for 60 or more days. We all tried to make him understand that 60 days is a short time compared to a lifetime.

I know there are many prayer warriors out there and I am reaching out to all of you. Please pray for Derick in that he will let the Lords will take control of his life and that he will come to the right decisions regarding his future medical needs. Please pray for Derick's complete healing. I'm trying so hard to be strong. I break down at night or when I'm alone but in front of Derick, I try to keep a stiff upper chin. He knows, I'm hurting inside. We have a lot of work ahead of us. We have to get ready for next week, then to prepare to the stem cell, he has to have many tests run including going to the dentist for a checkup and cleaning to make sure no infections will set up there. We have to locate housing in Nashville and prepare to face those costs along with just trying to keep us afloat of all the regular expenses. We will get through this with the Lord in control. Please continue to send emails for Derick will have lots of time for reading. For those who have asked for the home addresses again to send cards, they are listed below. Again, thanks to all of you for your prayers and words of encouragement.

In Christ,

Renea Rosson

[PapaSloc]

father of a newly diagnosed

Renea & Derick,

We continue to have you in our thoughts and prayers.

I have this sign in my office entitled "Attitude" and it reads as follows;

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace that day. We cannot change the past...we cannot change the fact that people will act certian ways. We cannot change the inevitable. The onlhy thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes" by Charles Swindoll

The power of positive thinking...may it help you both to beat this monster.

My thoughts and attitude are with you
PapaSloc

[tccancercop]

I agree that is very IMPORTANT that the pre-testing and stem cell transplant process get started as soon as possible since the AFP is down. I'm 25 and just finished up a tandem transplant this summer by Dr. Randy Broan, Jewish Hospital Cincinnati (he did research with Einhorn re: germ cell tumors and stem cell transplants). IF you have any questions, send me a message. Things need to be rushed, and I know how much it seems to be on a person to get this started.

[PapaSloc]

My thoughts and prayers arew with you

My son was just diagnosed. I don't have enough experience yet to say anything to you and your son but our thoughts and prayers are with you and we hope for the best possible outcome as quickly as possible.

PapaSloc

[mstlyn]

We got the word yesterday from Dr. Roth at Vanderbilt. Monday the 19th, Derick has testing at 9:00 a.m. another test at 11:00 a.m. and then we will be meeting with Dr. Roth (who usually doesn't see patients on Mondays) but he is coming in to meet with Derick, myself and the transplant doctor. Because of Derick's most recent tumor markers, Dr. Roth feels it is imperative that we move forward with the stem cell transplant. My understanding is that things are going to get very aggressive very fast. I'm scared to death and I know Derick is as well. We are currently trying to get everyone well around him who have colds and such because we know he will soon have no resistance. Please keep Derick in your thoughts and prayers as I know the days ahead are going to be rough. Thanks Robert for all your great info and I'll be calling you. We need to meet. I'm sure I can use your encouragement. Renea Rosson

Renea,

I will keep Derick in my prayers, and you too. I am relieved to see that Derick is being taken care of by an expert.
Stay strong .. Hugs to you both

[Lori]

Renea, from experience, things will move fast until the first day of chemo begins. Be aggressive, ask a lot of questions and now you both will get through this. Please call with any questions, any time, night or day!

Lori