boyfriend diagnosed last week

[Individuation]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Eileen and my boyfriend of 6 months was diagnosed with testicular cancer last week. Needless to say, this week has been really challenging. His family doesn't live here - so I'm taking care of him and am his primary emotional support. I've also let him know that he is not going through thi alone. He has surgery Wednesday and we don't know when he's starting chemo - but we were told that he's going to get ill, has to drop out of school for now, and is going to lose his hair. I'm going to be there for him and take care of him - but I'm afraid of all this. Just because this week has been so hard on him, I've been with him a lot - doing his dishes - cleaning - just taking care of the mundane stuff so he doesnt' have to. He has been thanking me profusely and I dont know how to respond. I just feel like he'd do the same if our roles were reversed. I guess what I'm afraid of is him seeing me as mother or caretaker and not his girlfriend. For other women who have gone through this - are my fears unfounded? How can I be there for him and be his girlfriend, not his mother? I want him healthy and I want our relationship to live through this. We have a strong loving wonderful relationship - and I don't want it to end. What am I in for?
I'm also afraid to watch him get weak and ill due to the chemo. Can someone reach out and tell me what's coming?

thank you
Eileen
[email protected]

[Scott]

Welcome, Eileen! First off, do you already have the pathology report and results of blood tests and CT scans? Are you certain that chemotherapy is coming?

I haven't been through chemotherapy myself, but after surgery, my wife strongly encouraged me not to sit around in a heap feeling sorry for myself. I think it's great that you're there to help him, but you might want to keep him more active instead of allowing full time wallowing.

[Mom]

Eileen, you and your boyfriend are going to have to take this one step at a time. It is an emotional and physical roller coaster, up one day and down the next. However, you will get off the ride, maybe a little shook, but intact. Don't worry about him not being able to distinguish the difference between you as a caregiver/girlfriend and his mother. Believe me, its not going to happen. Chemo is rough and he will lose his hair but it is nothing that you both can't get through. He will lose a semester at school, but when the chemo is over, he will very quickly get back to normal. My son was living with his financee when he was diagnosed, she watched him cry, slept in a cot at the hospital while he went through chemo, hugged him when he needed it, and watched him go bald and gain 30 pounds. He needed her a lot more than he needed me. I will always be grateful to her. They got married in Mexico four months later (with hair and without weight) and honeymooned in Belize. If your boyfriend hasn't already banked sperm, please suggest it to him to be on the safe side. He is lucky to have you. Dianne

[jane998]

My fiance was diagnosed three years ago. I looked after him through the diagnosis, waiting, surgery and years of followup. Looking after each other when you're ill is part of a normal relationship, and I'm sure he won't think of you like a mother. As you say, he'd do the same for you, it's just about taking care of each other.

I think the most important things are to keep being open and honest with each other, keep reassuring him about how much you love him whatever happens, and let him support you when you're feeling weak as well. That will keep things more balanced, and looking after you a bit might give him a break from his own feelings!

We found the experience very traumatic, but it brought us much closer together and made us a lot stronger. Now, three years later, we're getting married and planning a future together, so there is life after cancer!

Good luck, stick with it and I'm sure you'll get through it together and in one piece.

Jane

[Individuation]

Thanks Scott,

All we know so far is that he has two tumors in his right testicle. They're inside, so a regular testicular exam wouldn't have caught them. He's having the testicle removed, and the cheif oncologist told him that he would need chemo - and that it would be the old school stuff that makes hair fall out and causes weakness. His CT scan was done last week. The student health clinic doctor called him (not the oncologist, which we thought was wierd) and they said that at a preliminary glance it looks good. It doesn't look like it's in his lymphnodes and there are no visible tumors. My boyfriend is still waiting to hear that there is definitively nothing before he celebrates that too much.

Eileen

Welcome, Eileen! First off, do you already have the pathology report and results of blood tests and CT scans? Are you certain that chemotherapy is coming?

I haven't been through chemotherapy myself, but after surgery, my wife strongly encouraged me not to sit around in a heap feeling sorry for myself. I think it's great that you're there to help him, but you might want to keep him more active instead of allowing full time wallowing.

[dadmo]

Individuation:
If the doctor who read the scans is correct and there has been no spread to the lymph nodes or lungs your boyfriend should not need chemo. It could all be over when the testicle is removed. It would be great if he could go into a surveillance schedule.

[Individuation]

Wow! That really is great news.
I'm not going to tell him though, just in case that's not what happens. His doctor made it seem 100% certain that chemo was coming _and_ that it would have to be the really harsh kind. Maybe because of his having 2 tumors? I don't know.

Individuation:
If the doctor who read the scans is correct and there has been no spread to the lymph nodes or lungs your boyfriend should not need chemo. It could all be over when the testicle is removed. It would be great if he could go into a surveillance schedule.

[Individuation]

What a wonderful and uplifting story about your son. Thank you so much. My boyfriend's mother lives in California (we're in Chicago, IL) - so I've been in touch with her too. I know she's really glad that I'm there for him. I think the exact quote of my boyfriend was "You could punch me in the head 10 times a day and my mother would still love you." Thanks for your support and I'm glad your son is doing so well!
Eileen

Eileen, you and your boyfriend are going to have to take this one step at a time. It is an emotional and physical roller coaster, up one day and down the next. However, you will get off the ride, maybe a little shook, but intact. Don't worry about him not being able to distinguish the difference between you as a caregiver/girlfriend and his mother. Believe me, its not going to happen. Chemo is rough and he will lose his hair but it is nothing that you both can't get through. He will lose a semester at school, but when the chemo is over, he will very quickly get back to normal. My son was living with his financee when he was diagnosed, she watched him cry, slept in a cot at the hospital while he went through chemo, hugged him when he needed it, and watched him go bald and gain 30 pounds. He needed her a lot more than he needed me. I will always be grateful to her. They got married in Mexico four months later (with hair and without weight) and honeymooned in Belize. If your boyfriend hasn't already banked sperm, please suggest it to him to be on the safe side. He is lucky to have you. Dianne

[Individuation]

Thanks Jane! It's good to hear from others who have gone through this. Congratulations on your upcoming nuputials!! Much health and happiness to you both!

Eileen

My fiance was diagnosed three years ago. I looked after him through the diagnosis, waiting, surgery and years of followup. Looking after each other when you're ill is part of a normal relationship, and I'm sure he won't think of you like a mother. As you say, he'd do the same for you, it's just about taking care of each other.

I think the most important things are to keep being open and honest with each other, keep reassuring him about how much you love him whatever happens, and let him support you when you're feeling weak as well. That will keep things more balanced, and looking after you a bit might give him a break from his own feelings!

We found the experience very traumatic, but it brought us much closer together and made us a lot stronger. Now, three years later, we're getting married and planning a future together, so there is life after cancer!

Good luck, stick with it and I'm sure you'll get through it together and in one piece.

Jane

[Scott]

His doctor made it seem 100% certain that chemo was coming...

Unless you have more information already, it's too early for him to say that. You need to know whether it's seminoma or non-seminoma, what his blood test results are, and whether there are any signs of spread.

[Individuation]

My best friend is a doctor and said that the oncologist must have been pretty sure to have said it. She said some other reasons that I can't recall right now - but I do think it's pretty certain.

Eileen

Unless you have more information already, it's too early for him to say that. You need to know whether it's seminoma or non-seminoma, what his blood test results are, and whether there are any signs of spread.

[Scott]

Has he had blood drawn and tested for AFP, hCG, and LDH? Do you know the results?

[Individuation]

I know that hCg was present (pregnancy hormone, right?) and a very high level of estrogen. I don't know about the other stuff.

Has he had blood drawn and tested for AFP, hCG, and LDH? Do you know the results?

[dadmo]

Individuation:
As you can tell from the post here chemo is not assured until all of the test results are in. I know how easy it is to get lost in all the confussion but it is very important to become as informed as possible. In this case knowledge is true power. Stay strong and understand that everything will be alright.

[Individuation]

He just called... on second look at his catscan there are lymphnodes in his abdomen that are a few centimeters bigger than they should be. He goes in for surgery tomorrow ... I'm a lot more afraid than I thought I would be.

Please pray, wish, send vibes, or whatever.
I love this man a lot.

E

Individuation:
As you can tell from the post here chemo is not assured until all of the test results are in. I know how easy it is to get lost in all the confussion but it is very important to become as informed as possible. In this case knowledge is true power. Stay strong and understand that everything will be alright.