How much should I back off?

[SahmIam]

My best friends 8 y/o son was diagnosed with Rhamdomyosarcoma last week. He had surgery to have a testicle and the tumor removed on Friday. They are trying to get a referral to St. Jude's Children's hospital. His CT showed 2 small abnormalities near his heart and one on his spine which may or may not be cancer. They also plan on doing a bone marrow test. I spent all day with her on Friday and about 8 hours with her on Saturday. I have seen her everyday since but only for a couple of hours at a time. As you can imagine, she is very upset and depressed.

I don't really know how much time I should be spending with her. I want to be there for her if she needs me, but don't want to overwhelm her. I know it is also important to have some time to herself. I told her that this morning. I asked her to let me know if she wants me to come over and to feel free to let me know that she doesn't want me over. I don't know if she will call me if she actually needs me. It seems as though she is withdrawing.

Her son will start chemo soon and he will be homebound. They are going to have a teacher come to the house to teach him for the rest of the school year. This will mean that she will be very much tied to the house as well.

How do you know when to be there and when to back off? I don't want her to isolate herself, but I do want her to have sufficient down time. Any advice?

Thanks,
Elizabeth

[dadmo]

This is a tough call. I never left my wife alone for more then an hour or two. She hated the alone periods and wanted me there all the time. I felt she needed to let her emotions go so occasionally I would get stuck at work. It gave her time to work out her emotions while she knew I was on my way home to comfort her. You will never regret being there too much.

[SahmIam]

Thanks. I went to her house this morning even though she said I didn't need to. I think she was glad to see me. I played cards with her son while she got dressed so she didn't have to worry about him. I think she is afraid to leave him alone for even a few minutes. She said she doesn't want to leave him. That's understandable with the emotional upheaval.

Elizabeth

[dadmo]

I would bet money that she doesn't want to leave him. I always had the feeling that if my son was close to me I could protect him from anything. I think you did the right thing paying your friend a visit. We have some dear friends who never visited us because they didn't want to intrude, they missed a real opportunity to give us support when we needed it the most.

[Kev332]

I agree with Dadmo. I'd rather try to be too supportive, rather than not supportive enough.. I think you'll be able to tell. Sounds like you are doing a good job helping your friend, so keep up the good work Its a real tough time and I'm sure she's very happy when someone is there with her.

Take care.

-Kevin