Needing Caregivers Advice

[Lori]

Hi, my husband is in his third week of chemo and for some reason this week has been really difficult for me. I've been spending each morning he is at chemo (he was empowered to go by himself this week) crying. I'd love to hear how other caregivers are coping/coped sugbecause this really sucks.

[mk6439]

Will your husband let you stay with him when he's getting the infusions, or does he prefer to be alone? I stayed with my husband, really more for my sake than for his. It made me feel like I had some control over the situation, and if I hadn't been there, I would have driven myself crazy worrying whether he was OK.

[Lori]

I went with him the first 2 weeks, but he really wanted to do it by himself this time. I'm thinking during the 4th cycle, we'll negotiate. Like you said, I think I need to be there more than he needs me there. Thanks!

[IowaBrian]

Here are a few ideas:
-I think the key is to get out of the house for a little while so you don't just think about that one thing.
-You can go for a walk at the local park or join the power walkers at your local mall in the morning.
-Go for coffee at a friends house.
- Join a local cancer support group.

I know it is hard for those that support us during our fight and many of us would go nuts if not for the support of our friends and family. I know my girlfriend and mother worry about things and are always wanting the results ASAP to put their mind at ease and I can't blame them.
What you are doing supporting your husband is so special and don't forget that I think we (men) need to remember to thank our support group and support them when needed since it is a group effort to get through this fight.
Sometimes we just forget to say "Thank You For supporting me" to those around us.
Brian

[Chris'Mom]

I know how you feel...I sat with my son Chris from around 9 til 3:00...just being there helped me...making sure he was okay...I would try to stay "up" for him, watching TV, etc....he wouldn't even let his dad stay, even at 20 he wanted his mom....his girlfriend was at school...but now I look back and am thankful I could take the time off and see him thru...keep up your spirits, you will all get thru this and look back with a little less pain....we recently visited the chemo center so Chris could say hi to nurses..and that was tougher than I thought....Mary Ellen

[jdunn]

I was in the same situation as MaryEllen. And like her, I sat with Josh each and everytime. Even though alot of times he slept during his treatments, I just HAD to be there. I think it helped him too just knowing I was there. So all these emotions you are feeling right now are right on. I could never cry in front of my son. I cried inside everyday though. Just let your hubby know that it helps you to be there. I'm sure he feels like he's burdening you to sit with him. It's hard but it's gonna be ok!!!! Go ahead and cry.

[Karen]

Lori,
Yes, it really sucks.... My husband didn't need the chemo route, and the radiation was so quick that I didn't go for that (not thatI could be in the room anyway!). I go for every doctors appointment because the torment of waiting even 30 minutes longer to hear the results makes me climb the walls. Scream, cry and then be strong. We're here for you whenever you need us.

[Individuation]

*hugs*
been there, done that.

It is SO hard to see the man you love suffer. My boyfriend finished chemo about 2 months ago. The entire 6 months that he was sick from surgery, post-surgical infections, and chemo I cried anytime I was alone. If I stopped back at my apartment to pick something up that I needed, I wound up sitting on the living room floor sobbing. If a friend stopped into my classroom after the kids left to ask how I was doing... I started sobbing. In reality I was doing pretty good...it was just so stressful and so scary.

BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

Remember... although this time is difficult - it is temporary. Your husband will go back to being the same guy he was before he got sick. He's not going to be weak or ill forever. In just 2 months since chemo ended - my boy has his eyebrows and facial hair back. We work out together 4-5 days a week. He's gaining back all his strength. We run around like 2 kids in love - just like we did before he got sick. Just remember that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's okay to cry - it's a release that you probably need... *hugs* we're all here for you.

[Individuation]

Here are a few ideas:
-I think the key is to get out of the house for a little while so you don't just think about that one thing.
-You can go for a walk at the local park or join the power walkers at your local mall in the morning.
-Go for coffee at a friends house.
- Join a local cancer support group.

I want to second this and say... do for yourself. Go for walks. Buy yourself something nice. Get a massage.... make sure to take care of yourself and to let your friends and family support you. My boyfriends aunt came over every Sunday to clean his bathroom and do whatever she could around the apartment. At first I felt bad - like she thought I couldn't do it all on my own, but after the first month I was SO greatful to have her there. If he was ill - it was an hour or two that I could go out and have time for myself. Having help was a godsend.

[Lori]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really wish this wasn't the case - but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. I had done quite good up until this week and I think not going to chemo with him this time, just gave me the chance to breakdown. Which i'm sure i needed to do. Thanks for all the advice - i do try to do those things. I'm actually walking in the 3 day 60 mile breast cancer walk and normally walk everyday training for that - which has really helped - but i bagged that this week too. Maybe I just needed a pity party for myself. who knows. But I back on my feet, at least for today, and will find strength not only from my husband - who is amazing and so supportive of me through all this, but my family, friends and of course you all. It is a long road ahead and very scary, but knowing so many others have survived just does amazing things for the mind and soul. We are off to Dr. Einhorn's next week to find out why his AFP is going up and down. That will be a big appt for us. Hugs to you all for what've accomplished!

[dadmo]

I have avoided this thread since I am the father of a survivor, and obviously not the spouse of one. Don't feel you are weak because you have fear, and don't think that your suffering as a spouse is any less painfull then his. Let the emotions go, it's good for you to get that release. Their is nothing wrong with letting your husband know that your frightened for him. Believe me he knows it anyway. Let him know that you admire his streangh of character for being able battle cancer and that when this is over your life together will be better then ever.

[supportive wife]

Unfortunately in my case, I was unable to watch over my husband through his chemo treatments. The hospital was a few hours away and my husband's job did not pay for sick leave, which required me to work during that difficult time. For me, the hardest thing was driving him to the hospital Monday morning and knowing he on his own until Friday. I would come home Monday afterwork and just cry when I walked into our empty home.

I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of family, friends and coworkers. As I did my best to take care of my husband, they took care of me. Let the people in your life help you. Let them take out the trash, run an errand or anything else you can think of. Removing these things from your plate allows you to worry less about the day to day things and focus on helping your partner through this.

Don't forget your girlfriends. With my husband, I felt like I needed to be strong and not mention how worried or upset I was. Those conversations I saved for my girlfriends who were so supportive and understanding. Talking to them releaved some of my fears and gave me strength.

It may sound weird, but some of the greatest support came from coworkers. During those three months (diagnosis to last treatment), I was a RECK at work. My mind was so scattered and my focus was completely on my husband ~ not my work. My boss and those coworkers I had a 'friendship' with knew what was going on and were very helpful. They supported me during those days I just wanted to surf the internet for TC information, and helped me with my work load.

Take a moment each day to take care of yourself. You'll be surprised how much a quite coffee on the porch will ease your spirits for the day to come.

Dawn