How to Help Emotionally

[ssavino]

Hi Everyone-
My DH was diagnosised on friday operated on Monday and awaiting path results. We have three children under 5 and I just wanted to know other than bringing him food and the helping him with the physical aspect of recovery if there is anything I can do for him emotionally that would help ease his nerves?

We are very optimistic but I think the surgery and recovery have been a distraction and the diagnosis is just hitting him now. So far all markers nonexistent and Ct Scan clear.
Thank you in advance for your support.
S

[Pilgrim]

Emotional help

Hi

I'm just a bit further on. Had surgery about 5 weeks ago, and had a single dose of chemo today. People are different. I can tell you from my perspective what is most valuable.

I was a bit more anxious than my wife was that 1 less in the sack (or in my case a falsie) would mean she didnt fancy me so much. Takes a bit of time to be ready to resume the physical side of things but being tender yet interested in your man goes a long way!

Even though the stats are good, I thought a lot about what I would do if this were my last 2 years or 5 years of life. Ive got a 9 year old son. In some ways, if there is an upside from life threatening illness it is this. Perspective. Knowing that my soul mate is up for wherever that takes us is a big big plus.

I'm a committed christian, which helps me with the "fear of death" thing, although I had a harder time thinking about not being there to help my son through life as I find being a dad such a precious thing. Some people struggle with "Why me" and blame God. I cant say that has been an issue for me.

I think knowing your man is the key thing. Does he "recharge" his batteries by being with people, or being alone? Building in some nice times either with people or without - whichever is better for him - will help.

There is a great book "The marriage book" by Nicky and Sila Lee, which has a great chapter about the (corny title) Love languages we each speak and hear. (loving words, kind actions, quality time, thoughtful gifts, physical affection and touch) We're all different, but knowing how your guy receives will help you do what he will most value. I reccommend it. It's ISBN:1-9040-7455-3 if you want to track it down from a bookstore.

(For me the loving words thing became more important - I wanted someone to look me in the eye and tell me with conviction that it was going to be alright and that we'd get through it together - even though I know there are no guarantees, its nice to hear them!)

Hope you find the next bit of time ok. Make sure you have someone you can talk to about your own feelings too. It's not easy to be the person, but its not easy to be the person with the person either.

Thinking of you

Pilgrim

[ssavino]

Thank you

Pilgrim-
Thank you for your advice. I will get that book. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. How was your first chemo treatment?
S

[IowaBrian]

The best thing is what you are doing support him but I really didn't like the "it will be ok it is all gone" from everyone easy to say and everyone was just trying to be nice but it got old. At first I was full speed screw cancer but that got replace with the doctor visits every month and a case of the i don't give a crap, which went over really well with everyone NOT.
I guess all of us just want to forget about it for the most part so it doesn't eat us up thinking about the what if this or what if that.
I guess what i am trying to say is just treat him like you did before the surgery...that is the best thing being around those that care for us is the best thing of all .
If he still has some anxiety issues talk to your fam doctor about it it is very normal for people to get a lot stressed after this if it gets to the point that he is really having daily anxiety then the doctor will talk to him about some meds to help out. The meds do help trust me, the hardest part was talking to the doctor about it in the first place since we hate to look weak .
Right after surgery I couldn't sleep for 4 or 5 days tried over the counter meds, and the doctor called in sleeping pills which worked in reverse, but they finally found one that would knock me out which i used for a couple days since it made me feel like I had a hang over when I woke up.
Hope this helps
Brian

[dadmo]

I know with my son his greatest appreciation is the fact that I educated myself about tc. It was (and continues to be) a great comfort to him knowing that I was doing more then just saying everything will be ok.

[Pilgrim]

Chemo

Pilgrim-
Thank you for your advice. I will get that book. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. How was your first chemo treatment?
S

Hi

Thanks for asking. Chemo was ok. Didnt feel nausea although indigestion and disrupted sleep a bit. I'm 5 days on now - taking the rest of the week off work. Feel just a bit "under the weather" as we say. Had planned (unrealistically) to go straight back to work but having to think again.

The single dose is not so bad as other regimes. I have a low immune system for the next couple of weeks so have to be careful, and thereafter things should be OK I think. A few people have the tiredness for a lot longer - I'm hoping and praying I'm not one of them, as I'm an activist at heart so I'd find that hard.

Pilgrim.