Help with my feelings

[Individuation]

What is normal for the feelings of the wife of a man with TC? I need someone to talk to that understands.

Hi smdemom,

I'm not the wife - but I'm the very serious girlfriend of man who went through TC. I don't know that there is a "normal." When we first found out that my bf had cancer I was terrified that he would die, that he would go back to California to be with his family, that he would push me away - etc. None of those happened. Then we found out that we'd probably never have kids together (he tried to bank sperm but in 30% of TC cases the guy is already sterile), and I had some mourning to do on that topic because I'd always thought I'd have my own kids. I felt very very sad for myself a lot of time. I mean, I felt horrible for him, but as his primary care taker I had to give up my life to care for him. I dropped out of grad school, I was still working full time, I hardly ever saw my friends, I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, etc. And who was taking care of me? No one. I mean, people were there for me to talk to, and his aunt would come over every sunday to help out, but I was really on my own. It was scary and terrible. We went from NEVER fighting to getting into some pretty major blowouts because neither of us could 100% understand what the other was going through.

It was just really hard.
The good news is that we're on the other side. He's hairy and strong and active. He is the love of my life. Everything I worried about (getting our sex life back, still being in love like we were after he was better, etc.) was totally fine. If anything - we are closer and more in love than we were before. Since we're not married, it's different though. Before he was sick - we adored each other in a very idealistic way. Now what we have is totally real. We have seen each other at our very best and our very worst and what we have is so concrete and so solid -- that i think it's going to last forever.

My email address is individuation @ gmail.com Please email me if you want to talk.

*hugs*
Eileen

[petep]

I sent you a private message with my wife's phone number - she'd be happy to speak with you...sometimes easier via phone.

pete

[mk6439]

I'm a tc-survivor's wife, my husband finished chemo in August. It was a hard time for us, there were definitely times, especially at the beginning, where he was supporting me more than I was supporting him. I found it reassuring to participate as much as I could in the process -- I went to all his doctor's appointments, stayed with him during chemo, dealt with the insurance stuff. I think he appreciated having me around and it definitely helped me get through it. Good luck with everything!

[mercyriver]

I honestly think I have had every emotion avaiable to a women to use. I have extreme sadness to extreme happiness. I have even more recently anger and frustration over the insurance company and even maybe some over the Dr because he seems unable to convince the insurance company of nesscity of some tests.

And so many more emotions in between, I don't think I could list them all or even tell you what they were attached to.

My husband and I have great outlook on how things will turn out and have complete faith that God does have some purpose behind all this. Yet even with all that, it can be quite overwhelming at times. We have three girls, 8, 4 and 2 and I watch my 6 nephew during the week. Strangest thing is I think I have become more patcient over the last few months then ever before now.

I know there are many other women going through the same thing. Please feel free to contact me to talk. It has only been 3 months for us, but we have had quite a few ups and downs already.


Becki

[Chris'Mom]

Michelle, I am glad to see you got good results on the tests.....my son went thru this last year, and this site was a lifesaver for me...we are all going thru most of the same emotions.....life will be different from now on, living thru tests to remind us constantly, etc.....but life can also be appreciated more....good luck and take care....Mary Ellen

[smdemom]

DianeE
Thank you for your reply. I am running through all kinds of emotions. We had good news today in that pathology and ct scans show that it has not spread and perhaps the surgery got it all. That said, I cannot imagine going through this with my son. Please feel free to send me a message if you ever need to talk. I hope that I will also find encouragement through this site and the wonderful people that make it what it is. Thank you, smdemom (Michelle)

[DianeE]

You've asked a pretty broad question, but I hope some of the wives
will share some of the emotions they experienced.

I'm the mother of a TC patient, so I can't give you insight from
a wife's point of view, but I can tell you some of the feelings I
went through.

When my son was diagnosed and we found out he would need
the RPLND, I searched the Net for info and found this site.
I can remember reading a lot of the posts by guys and their supporters
and to be honest, each time I read about someone who had
finished their surgery/treatment, I was envious because they
were done with it, and my son had to still go through it. There were
times I was angry and times I was so sad, but because of this site,
I was informed and I was ultimately, able to remain positive. It's hard to read
all the different stories and learn that some of them don't have happy
endings, but it is the nature of this damn disease. I encourage
you to read and learn as much as you can and it may help with
the emotions you're dealing with.

There are some very courageous wives on this site. I hope they
give you the help you need.

Diane

[smdemom]

What is normal for the feelings of the wife of a man with TC? I need someone to talk to that understands.