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bf broke up with me - please help me understand

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  • bf broke up with me - please help me understand

    Hello, My boyfriend made exams and has a groin hernia and several cysts/cancer and will need surgery where he may loose his testicles and gain Erectile disfunction. He hid everything from me and just broke up with me giving me no reason. Finally he told me why and Im miserable, instead of staying with me he cutts off all contact and says he needs to be alone. I dont know what to do, I love him and he loves me but he cries says he cant be with me. I think my presence makes him think of the problem all the time and he says its torture. Please help me what should I do?
    If he loves me like I know he does, shouldnt he want my support?
    He found out in the days between xmas and new year..Only told me Jan 5th, and by phone...cut off contact face to face...I went to see him this thursday because he wouldnbt come see me, says he cant do it...Im hurting, hes hurting but how could he just toss me aside like this? I would be with him all the way..

    When I ask him why he wants to break up with me he says things like "because I dont want to hurt you", "because we have no future", "because what would be the point of being with you one or 2 more months when it will only be worse then?" and "better to hurt you some now than to make us both miserable during more time and to hurt you and myself more later".

    But Im so lost what can I do? I know he is terrified but I dont know how to deal with him saying he isnt able to see me...is it better that I let him deal with this for a couple weeks and absorb the initial shock on his own? Or should I keep contact as a friend only and put my feelings aside and our relationship aside untill he can handle it (will he be hable to handle it on his own)? because I know that if I pressure and keep trying to contact him as a girlfriend in the shape he is right now he will snap and cut me off completely...thank you for your words and any advice

  • #2
    WFS:
    All you can do is give him some space. If he does have cancer he has a lot to deal with. Without being pushy try and find out if he cancer or cysts because there is a huge differance.
    Last edited by dadmo; 02-06-08, 04:20 PM.
    Son Jason diagnosed 4/30/04, stage III. Right I/O 4/30/04. Graduated College 5/13/04. 4XEP 6/7/04 - 8/13/04. Full open RPLND 10/13/04. All Clear since.

    Treated by Dr. Rakowski of Midland Park, NJ. Visited Sloan Kettering for protocol advice. RPLND done at Sloan Kettering.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by WFS
      When I ask him why he wants to break up with me he says things like "because I dont want to hurt you", "because we have no future", "because what would be the point of being with you one or 2 more months when it will only be worse then?" and "better to hurt you some now than to make us both miserable during more time and to hurt you and myself more later".
      He is despairing. I did the same thing... I told my girlfriend she is free to go, when I was diagnosed. She stayed, and she is now my fiancee. I really felt a strong urge to end the relationship to save us future pain... I even considered not telling her why I was ending it.

      If it is cancer, he needs to be reminded that there most certainly is a future, perhaps even a really long one... and whatever the length, that future is much sweeter with someone who loves you at your side.

      Also, buy him Lance's book "It's not about the bike"
      Detected mass 10-6-06, Radical left I/O 10-10-06, Stage I seminoma, 1.5 cm primary, No LV invasion, No Rete Testis Invasion... Currently on Surveillance.

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      • #4
        WFS

        Hang in there(but from a distance), he may be feeling anger (at the situation), embarrassment (misguided of course) and of course, fear.

        Not that it is right I did the same thing, space may be the best thing and with some contact he will figure out your love.

        Best of Luck

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        • #5
          reply

          Originally posted by djmac
          I really felt a strong urge to end the relationship to save us future pain... I even considered not telling her why I was ending it.
          That is exactly what he told me, that now he wished he had told me a lie, that he had cheated and had another so Id be furious and move on.

          Says he cant ask me to go thru it with him, that it is not fair and wont do it, and that in his head he is not the same person I knew, that we will be both unhappy and that my presence beside him will only make him feel guilty for having me beside him unhappy. That he doesnt feel nothing right now..is this normal behaviour?

          Im having a hard time dealing with this because he should not decide for me..yet he has and leaves me no choice. Its not fair, I love him and will be with him all the way, it should be my choice to make. Dont know how can I make him see that.

          In my head I think he hasnt accepted this new reality yet, so he isnt able to move on and deal with it, fight and let me live life with him the best we can...can it be that?...Im so lost Im sorry for keep talking about it (Im Portuguese, Im sorry for the bad english) but Im desperate, I really love him and dont want to let him go but also dont know how to help him

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          • #6
            Normal or not -- it just isn't likely to be true. He will go on to live a long and fulfilling life!
            Scott, [email protected]
            right inguinal orchiectomy 6/5/2003 > nonseminoma, stage I > surveillance > L-RPLND 6/24/2005 for recurrence, suspected teratoma but found seminoma, stage II > chylous ascites until 9/2005 > surveillance and "all clear" since


            Your donation funds Livestrong services for people facing cancer now. Please sponsor my ride!

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            • #7
              my bf did the same thing...he lives in nc and i live in de so he broke up with me and said he couldnt deal with doing long distance. we were apart for almost three months during which time he said some of the meanest things you can ever imagine...he made up lies so that i wouldnt want to be with him anymore and so that i would hate him and not be upset if he should die or lose his "equipment"...

              however, the day after christmas he came to me and said that he was sorry for everything he said and for lying to me and that he couldnt stop thinking about me and missed me so much and loved me more than he realized. so basically what im saying is that he probably just needs some time... be supportive and just give him some time...

              it will all work out im sure...and good luck with everything!!

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              • #8
                As guess as a young guy (25) myself, it is pretty invasive and you do worry if anyone is going to want anything to do with you again. I mean, come on, what kind of young woman is going to risk dating a guy, even possibly getting married, when he believes he is going to die or it will come back anyways. This is what i think about a lot. I had a bad experience with a girl - post tandem transplant - that I really liked (and she liked me too even when i had short hair) but I think that my personal issues probably is the reason why she said I needed time and stopped talking to me/block me on chats. Oh well!! I just met a blond bombshell!!!
                Diagnosed August 2005
                R/O August 2005 AFP 210

                4xEP beginning December 2005
                End Feb/March 2006 AFP 4.6
                April 2006 AFP 22 and rising

                Tandem Stem Cell Transplant 7/06 - 9/06
                December 07 AFP = 3.3
                December 07 CT = Clear!

                15+ months remission

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