Still With Me

[BouncingChris]

My Cancer story is very short, I was diagnosed on February 3rd, 2007. L-I/O on February 7th, 2007. No Vascular Invasion, No Lymphatic Involvement, and markers returned to normal.

April 9th, L-RPLND with results comig back 100% clean and I am considered Cancer free.


Right now I am suffering from extreme depression. The fact that Cancer has come into my life is constantly on my mind. I'm suffering from (hopefully) temporary Retro-Grade Ejaculation and struggling with the fact of having one testicle. This has broken me. It affects us at the thing that defines who we are at the simplest of levels. First and foremost I'm a Man, but right now I feel like nothing. I feel like I'll never regain the confidence I once had, never be as charismatic as I was. I feel incapable of being loved or loving.

I have an amazingly supportive girlfriend and all I do is push her away. I feel so selfish, but it's not something that's conscious, it's just always on my mind.

Did anyone go through situations like this, feelings like this? I think I need some help, but I can't find any groups to talk to in the Toledo area. I can't find an outlet. Any suggestions are welcomed, I'm close to checking myself in somewhere. I need help.

[Scott]

This has broken me.

No, it hasn't. I appreciate what you're going through, and, yes, cancer has permanently changed your life. What will you do with the present?

[huckchef]

Chris,
I'm sure many here have gone through and are going through similiar situations like yourself. I believe it's all part of the process of coping with what has changed our lives forever. I personally think you'll get better. Use this time to grieve, cry, ask why and be in denial. I did! Think positively about what all you have going for you and you'll see that this is all just a minor detour in a road that leads to great things. I believe things happen for reason. Some of those reasons we may never know but one constant reminder is that all of us are still here and probably living more productive lives than ever before. We are the lucky ones!!
I send my prayers and thoughts and I hope you will soon realize that you have to LiveStrong!!

Brian

[Scott]

I think I need some help, but I can't find any groups to talk to in the Toledo area. I can't find an outlet. Any suggestions are welcomed, I'm close to checking myself in somewhere. I need help.

One suggestion: call SurvivorCare for support by phone or to help locate support resources in your area.

[Scott]

I received this quote in an e-mail this morning. Its message is a good one for all of us.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

[Savin16]

Chris,
I am so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to go through. Congrats on the all clear, be thankful, as I'm sure you are, that you are all clear. Not all get those great results.
What you are feeling is understandable, and you should speak with someone. you have had a life changing experience. Talking hear is a great start, my brother only spoke to me, I'm a girl, lets face it, some things are just better off being talked to another man, especially in this situation. My brother was almost ashamed. Of what Freakin cancer, are you kidding me. But my brother never talked to anyone, and he just sank deeper and deeper. Very unhealthy. And like you say, you start pushing the ones you care about away. On this site, I have met a couple guys who who were willing to talk to my brother, 2 of them even offered to meet with him, so I'm sure you'll get the same feedback. Once Robert sees your post, not a doubt he'll be giving you his number to help you out. Best of luck to you. i will be thinking of you. Try to think POSITIVE. Your alive, your here, make the most of it. Get that great smile back that I see near your name, and speak with your girlfriend, and family and friends. Check with a local hospital, they usually have some sort of meetings monthly.

[Russell's Mom]

your are normal

Hi Chris,
Your path and Russell's path are very similar. He finished his 7 1/2 hour RPLND on Jan 29 and is also wondering about the retrograde ejaculation. He is doing well, but I can tell that he is working very hard to push through the feelings. First and foremost I will tell you that you are normal...it is the situation that is abnormal. The feelings are there because you, your life and your goals are important to you. That is a good thing. Studies have repeatedly shown that people who have suffered a loss, physical or mental, go through stages of grief. (denial, saddness, anger, etc.) It is similar to the grief a person deals with when someone they know dies. It can become that intense, so be gentle with yourself. No one has discovered yet just why some people have more of a reaction than others and why it occurs at one time and not another. Your mind is trying to find a place to make sense of this. Kind of a spin out. It is as if a wound has occurred to your mind/emotions. It will heal just like your body heals. Sometimes when we are sad, we go in a different direction, avoiding sad, maybe going to angry. The trick is to acknowledge the sad. When the sad finally gets some attention, it will float away. It sounds so simple, but when you are in the thick of it, it is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. Another little something to try is (and you will probably have to force yourself to do this) is to find one little happy thought. Happy needs a little push to start up again. Lock into some funny movies...not to discount your feelings, but to spark a smile on the inside of you. It is also helpful to go do something for someone else. If you need to go see someone, go right ahead, you are worth it and the answers that you need will be there. Maybe not right away, but your picture tells me you have a lot of creative energy to share. That is not gone, just tucked away. Feel a little sad and find a little happy! Take care and keep writing to us!!!!!! Russell's Mom, Sharon

[Russell's Mom]

thinking about you

Just a note to say I am thinking about you! Russell's Mom, Sharon

[dadmo]

Chris:
The old you is gone and he isn't coming back. Don't feel guilty or weak for mourning your loss it's quite normal. The fact that you have even mentioned it is a great sign, if you think talking to a professional will help do it. Just by making the appointment and being proactive you will feel better. It's going to take time to realize that what made you Bouncing Chris is still with you, that could never be removed by a doctor. As you heal think about those triathlons and marathons. Take a look at what our own Tyler Darby (bchjetdrvr) accomplished after his battle. Believe it or not the best is yet to come.