No announcement yet.

Angry at Cancer

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Angry at Cancer

    I hate cancer. I hate everything about cancer. Sounds simple, I know. If I allow myself to stop for a moment, for a brief break from the rollercoaster that is cancer, I can't believe the last 8 months of my life. Everything is about cancer now. I feel like I am always midway between a hospital and hell. Nothing is normal about life any more. Every day is about scheduling something related to cancer. Doctor's appointments, blood tests, CT scans, radiation, etc. My days are filled with organizing when I can go to work, who will be watching out for him at home, what will he eat, how will he get to the bathroom shuffling him back and forth to appointments and then getting to work. My nights are getting up to give him his medication, emptying his urinal or helping him to the bathroom, or just sitting up with him for a while if he can't sleep and gets lonely. We can't make plans to do anything he might enjoy to lift his spirits, because when we do, cancer intervenes and lands us in the hospital.

    After getting through a frustrating hospital stay for a leg clot last week, my husband and I were looking forward to a relaxing weekend out of town with my parents for Mother's Day. That was until Wednesday night. I rushed him to the ER because he was having trouble breathing and before I knew it, the ER doctor was telling me he probably wouldn't make it. After watching him almost suffocate for more than 3 hours, he was stabilized and moved to ICU. He is now resting comfortably in a regular room, breathing on his own with 100% saturation on room air, and feeling better. He apparently had a pulmonary embolism and we think pneumonia (dr. has not been communicating with us like she should, so we still have some questions - if we can catch her). Having recently learned that DVTs and blood clots are the 2nd leading cause of death in cancer patients, I know just how serious they are now. My husband had just gotten an IVC filter to help with keeping clots from going to the lungs, brain, heart, but it either didn't work or something was already in the lungs prior to the filter being placed.

    I'm just furious that he has to suffer. I am furious that after 4XBEP, HDC and stem cell, radiation and upcoming brain radiosurgery, we still have rising tumor markers. The cancer is just a monster that we can't seem to kill. Now I live in fear that a clot/pulmonary embolism will get him before the cancer does. We only have one option left, Taxol and Gemzar, and I know that it usually doesn't work. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair for my husband and it isn't fair to everyone else here battling TC and people battling other kinds of cancer. My husband is the kindest, most gentle person, and watching him suffer is almost more than I can stand. He has been apologizing since Wednesday night for scaring us! He's more worried about what it did to us than how much he suffered!

    As a means to try to comfort me, everyone has been telling me, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, guess what, I don't believe that any more. It took me 27 years to find the love of my life, to find someone who just fit into my life and who is my best friend. Losing him is more than I can handle. And what reason could possibly make sense? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason he has to be taken from me?

    I am afraid to lose him, afraid to realize that I will never laugh with him again, never take our yearly trip to California with him again, never again watch a sunset with him in Pacific Grove, never be able to just do the simple things that only he would enjoy doing with me. I don't mean for it to sound as though I no longer believe there is any hope for him, but I am afraid not to prepare myself. I just feel so much that the odds are against us.

    I don't mean to whine. I know everyone goes through this when they could lose a loved one. I just needed to get this out and thought someone might understand how I feel. Or maybe what I am feeling doesn't make any sense, I don't know. I just know that I am mad, angry, furious. I hate cancer.

    sigpic Husband diagnosed 10/19/2006. EGCT, with mets to lung, brain, lymph nodes and liver, 4XBEP finished 12/25/2006. Began HDC 2/12/2007 at IU. HDC failure 5/07. Husband passed away 7/14/2007.

  • #2
    Emily there are no words to tell you how sorry I am about what you and your husband are going through.

    You are not whining. You are human and you can only take so much. To watch someone you love go through what your husband has been going through is very painful and I know you are angry, and you have every right to be.

    I wish I could help, I really, really wish I could help.

    God bless you both.

    Stay strong and you come here to get all of that off your chest anytime you want. We feel your pain and everyone is praying for you and your husband.


    Son Anthony DX 12/11/06
    L/O 12/20/06 Stage IIIA, 95% EC, 5% Yolk Sac
    4XEP 1/29-4/6/ 07
    AFP started increasing3 wks later
    Residual abdominal mass found on CT
    RPLND 6/8/07
    Cancer in pathology-
    80% mature teratoma, 20% Yolk Sac. --
    No adjuvent chemo and
    AFP normalised

    July 22, 2010 ---- 3 years all clear!


    • #3
      Oh Emily, I am so sorry you going through this.

      I can't even imagine the pain you are experiancing. There is no reason you should try to understand any of this and why it is happening to you. If someone says they know the reason, they couldn't possibly know what they are talking about.

      You need to keep talking and you need to keep venting, that is the only way you could possibly keep any bit of sanity at this time.

      Please keep talking.

      You and your husband are still in my thoughts and prayers.


      Husband Right I/O 09/06
      -70% Embryonal Carcinoma
      -20% Teratoma
      -10% Yolk Sac Tumor
      11/06- lymph nodes 1.8x1.4 and 1.9x1.4
      12/06-PET Scan confirms activity in lymph nodes, lymph nodes 2.2x2.2 and 2.4x2.3
      1/07-Start 3xBEP
      4/07-PET clear, lymph nodes down to 1.1x0.5 and 1.8x1.0
      6/07-lymph nodes 1.2x1.0 and 1.9x.9
      8/07-lymph nodes 1.1x1.0 and 2.0x1.2
      10/07-lymph nodes 2.0x1.5 and 2.7x1.8
      11/07- PostChemo LRPLND-found burnt out teratoma
      11/09-Enlarging lymph node 1.2 cm near renal veins


      • #4
        I'm so sorry, Emily. You have every right to be angry. Cancer is ruthless.

        I have never accepted the idea that "everything happens for a reason." However, I do believe it's up to us to find ways to react to the unreasonable things that happen in our lives and in the world that, over time, helps make things better.

        I know this is a very difficult time, and I think of you often.
        right inguinal orchiectomy 6/5/2003 > nonseminoma, stage I > surveillance > L-RPLND 6/24/2005 for recurrence, suspected teratoma but found seminoma, stage II > chylous ascites until 9/2005 > surveillance and "all clear" since

        Your donation funds Livestrong services for people facing cancer now. Please sponsor my ride!


        • #5
          That was a very powerful post. You are an incredible care giver for your husband. I think of you both every day. Please, please, please come here to vent and no apologies for being angry.
          Retired moderator. Husband, left I/O 16Dec2005, stage I seminoma with elevated b-HCG, no LVI, RTx15 (25Gy). All clear ever since.


          • #6
            You have absolutely every right to have all the feelings you have expressed in your post. This is why we all are here: to be your collective sounding boards. Vent, scream, and yell. It doesn't help to keep the emotions bottled in.
            Cancer is indeed infuriating. It's aggressive and ruthless; ironically, it's its defective machinery that allows it to elude things we throw at it. From the standpoint of someone who tries to kill these bugs in a petri dish for a living, I can tell you that having such an experiment fail 99 times out of 100 is frustrating.
            You and your husband are in my thoughts. Stay with us as much as you want and need.
            "Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
            11.22.06 -Dx the day before Thanksgiving
            12.09.06 -Rt I/O; 100% seminoma, multifocal; Stage I-A; Surveillance; Six years out! I consider myself cured.


            • #7
              Emily, I'm so sorry for you...

              I'll pray for you and your husband...

              Right I\O 11/28/06 - 100% EC with vascular invasion - CT shows enlarged abdominal lymph node (30mm) and 12 small lung nodules (the bigger 13mm) - Chemo started 01/02/2007 - 4xBEP - end 03/22/2007 - 03/22/2007 tumor marker normal - 04/23/2007 CT shows two small lung nodules (3mm and 4 mm) and lymph node 12mm - 05/23/2007 tumoral marker normal - 06/06/07 CT is stable - 07/23/07 tumoral marker normal - 08/02/2007 CT-PET shows all clear - On surveillance from 08/04/07


              • #8

                You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

                Right I/O 4/22/1988
                RPLND 6/20/1988
                Left I/O 9/17/2003

                Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; one equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will; to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.


                • #9
                  Thank you all for your replies, and for allowing me an outlet for my anger. I have been performing a very delicate balancing act of being the caregiver and advocate for my husband, while trying to maintain my sanity. I think that finding out just a few days ago that my Dad is experiencing a recurrence of the colon cancer we thought he conquered two years ago was kind of a last straw for me. Thankfully, his is not as aggressive as what my husband is dealing with, but the cruelty of the two most important men in my life battling cancer at the same time is just too much.

                  I have always been a very independent person, as was my husband. I progressed in my career, bought my own home and could generally take care of my own needs. I enjoyed having Wheeler as my boyfriend for 7 years before we decided to marry, but I still knew I could take care of myself with or without him. Once he was diagnosed with cancer, it felt like the hourglass had been turned over and we were running out of time. All of my trepidation about losing him has to do with being without him, not necessarily being on my own. That I can do. It's just the thought of not having that person who knows you so well and loves you regardless of your faults. It's the thought of never finding anyone who can share that kind of connection with you again. I had a difficult time finding someone I trusted with my life and can't imagine not having his love and support around me.

                  I hate to be self-pitying, or to do the "woe is me" routine. There are so, so many people out there experiencing loss of different types, to cancer, accidents, etc. At the very least, I am thankful for every day that he is with me. Every day is one more opportunity to see him smile, to hear him joke and laugh with me and to witness his incredible determination. Every day at this point is a gift and I will always be thankful for it.

                  sigpic Husband diagnosed 10/19/2006. EGCT, with mets to lung, brain, lymph nodes and liver, 4XBEP finished 12/25/2006. Began HDC 2/12/2007 at IU. HDC failure 5/07. Husband passed away 7/14/2007.


                  • #10
                    Emily, I have searched for answers and have never found them except to say that "#*it happens." That might seem trite but it is better than blaming God, that doesn't work either. I feel so sad for you. Let's not give up hope. Dianne
                    Spouse: I/O 8/80; embryonal, seminoma, teratoma; RPLND 9/80 - no reoccurrence - HRT 8/80; bladder cancer 11/97; reoccurrence: 4X
                    Son: I/O 11/04; embryonal, teratoma; VI; 3XBEP; relapse 5/08; RPLND 6/18/08 - path: mature teratoma


                    • #11
                      Emily, you are truely inspirational. Keep on fighting.
                      May 2000 I/O 100% Emb. Carc./June 2000 RPLND, 1 Node with Micro Involvement/ July 2000 1xBEP, 1xEP


                      • #12
                        Emily...I sat here looking at this blank page wondering 'what do I type?'. I won't give you a pep talk, sounds like you have had your fair share of those...and I won't tell you not to be angry, because you deserve to scream at the top of your lungs. I have no idea why some people get better and others struggle. Your husband is a gem and there is no reason for him to have to go through this. I wish I could reach through thr computer and hug you right now, or take you out for a glass of wine and listen for hours. Cancer is an unforgiving monster and I hope one day they find a way to take away all this suffering.

                        I do understand how your life becomes all about Cancer and I have shared all your same fears. I get a pain in my gut everytime I think about it. But you are something really have endured so much and still have love to give. I will ask God to help you and your family, reminding him of your struggle and of your husband's pain and ask him to take away this great burden. I will pray that the medicines cure him and that joy will replace the worries in your mind. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I am pulling for you!!

                        Co-survivor with husband Boyce, Diagnosed 7-11-06, orchiectomy right testicle on 7-12-06- Stage 3A: Mixed germ cell tumor with inguinal seminomatous and kartotypic carcinoma. One tumor over 10 cm, second tumor 4 cm, Chemo 4xBEP: Bi-lateral RPLND Dec 2006, nerve sparing but left sterile.
                        Current DVT
                        Current testosterone replacement therapy, Testim.

                        "You must abandon the life you planned, to live the life that was meant for you" ~wisdom I have learned from my family on this forum


                        • #13
                          Emily, I have no idea what to say other than I think of you and your husband every day and am praying like crazy that this disease takes a turn. let us know what we can do

                          Lori and Jon
                          Diagnosed 5/22/2006
                          I/O 5/26/2006, Stage 3, Good
                          Teratoma (Majority), Seminoma (10%), Yolk Sac
                          3xEP then determined not working
                          HDC w/stem cell transplant 8/16/06 to 9/25/06
                          Chest and Neck surgery 10/9/06 - immature teratoma
                          RPLND 11/16/06 - immature Teratoma
                          2/29/2008 - markers continue to be normal!
                          9/16/2008 - released from Dr. Einhorn's care


                          • #14
                            Hang in there day at a time.....and vent when you need it...Mary Ellen


                            • #15
                              the hardest days

                              I believe these are the hardest days. Some days may get different, can't see how they would become more difficult. It recently came into my mind that my exhaustion from "days consumed by cancer," in all of it's unforgiving ways could not have been wasted energy. (Simpliistic thought with feelings beyond words.) To work this hard, be this tired and so appreciative of the person involved, could not be in vain. It is beyond me, but words like significant, worthwhile, appropriate etc., etc., don't even come close to the feeling that surfaces. My life has drifted into stormy waters, no vacation here, (the little picture was our last vacation together in '05) but my value for our lives has doubled, tripled, billioned!?!? Will be dreaming of a vacation for you. Take care, Russell's Mom, Sharon
                              Last edited by Russell's Mom; 05-15-07, 01:55 PM.
                              Click here to support my LIVESTRONG Challenge with Team LOVEstrong.