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I hate cancer. I hate everything about cancer. Sounds simple, I know. If I allow myself to stop for a moment, for a brief break from the rollercoaster that is cancer, I can't believe the last 8 months of my life. Everything is about cancer now. I feel like I am always midway between a hospital and hell. Nothing is normal about life any more. Every day is about scheduling something related to cancer. Doctor's appointments, blood tests, CT scans, radiation, etc. My days are filled with organizing when I can go to work, who will be watching out for him at home, what will he eat, how will he get to the bathroom shuffling him back and forth to appointments and then getting to work. My nights are getting up to give him his medication, emptying his urinal or helping him to the bathroom, or just sitting up with him for a while if he can't sleep and gets lonely. We can't make plans to do anything he might enjoy to lift his spirits, because when we do, cancer intervenes and lands us in the hospital.
After getting through a frustrating hospital stay for a leg clot last week, my husband and I were looking forward to a relaxing weekend out of town with my parents for Mother's Day. That was until Wednesday night. I rushed him to the ER because he was having trouble breathing and before I knew it, the ER doctor was telling me he probably wouldn't make it. After watching him almost suffocate for more than 3 hours, he was stabilized and moved to ICU. He is now resting comfortably in a regular room, breathing on his own with 100% saturation on room air, and feeling better. He apparently had a pulmonary embolism and we think pneumonia (dr. has not been communicating with us like she should, so we still have some questions - if we can catch her). Having recently learned that DVTs and blood clots are the 2nd leading cause of death in cancer patients, I know just how serious they are now. My husband had just gotten an IVC filter to help with keeping clots from going to the lungs, brain, heart, but it either didn't work or something was already in the lungs prior to the filter being placed.
I'm just furious that he has to suffer. I am furious that after 4XBEP, HDC and stem cell, radiation and upcoming brain radiosurgery, we still have rising tumor markers. The cancer is just a monster that we can't seem to kill. Now I live in fear that a clot/pulmonary embolism will get him before the cancer does. We only have one option left, Taxol and Gemzar, and I know that it usually doesn't work. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair for my husband and it isn't fair to everyone else here battling TC and people battling other kinds of cancer. My husband is the kindest, most gentle person, and watching him suffer is almost more than I can stand. He has been apologizing since Wednesday night for scaring us! He's more worried about what it did to us than how much he suffered!
As a means to try to comfort me, everyone has been telling me, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, guess what, I don't believe that any more. It took me 27 years to find the love of my life, to find someone who just fit into my life and who is my best friend. Losing him is more than I can handle. And what reason could possibly make sense? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason he has to be taken from me?
I am afraid to lose him, afraid to realize that I will never laugh with him again, never take our yearly trip to California with him again, never again watch a sunset with him in Pacific Grove, never be able to just do the simple things that only he would enjoy doing with me. I don't mean for it to sound as though I no longer believe there is any hope for him, but I am afraid not to prepare myself. I just feel so much that the odds are against us.
I don't mean to whine. I know everyone goes through this when they could lose a loved one. I just needed to get this out and thought someone might understand how I feel. Or maybe what I am feeling doesn't make any sense, I don't know. I just know that I am mad, angry, furious. I hate cancer.
Emily
After getting through a frustrating hospital stay for a leg clot last week, my husband and I were looking forward to a relaxing weekend out of town with my parents for Mother's Day. That was until Wednesday night. I rushed him to the ER because he was having trouble breathing and before I knew it, the ER doctor was telling me he probably wouldn't make it. After watching him almost suffocate for more than 3 hours, he was stabilized and moved to ICU. He is now resting comfortably in a regular room, breathing on his own with 100% saturation on room air, and feeling better. He apparently had a pulmonary embolism and we think pneumonia (dr. has not been communicating with us like she should, so we still have some questions - if we can catch her). Having recently learned that DVTs and blood clots are the 2nd leading cause of death in cancer patients, I know just how serious they are now. My husband had just gotten an IVC filter to help with keeping clots from going to the lungs, brain, heart, but it either didn't work or something was already in the lungs prior to the filter being placed.
I'm just furious that he has to suffer. I am furious that after 4XBEP, HDC and stem cell, radiation and upcoming brain radiosurgery, we still have rising tumor markers. The cancer is just a monster that we can't seem to kill. Now I live in fear that a clot/pulmonary embolism will get him before the cancer does. We only have one option left, Taxol and Gemzar, and I know that it usually doesn't work. It just isn't fair. It isn't fair for my husband and it isn't fair to everyone else here battling TC and people battling other kinds of cancer. My husband is the kindest, most gentle person, and watching him suffer is almost more than I can stand. He has been apologizing since Wednesday night for scaring us! He's more worried about what it did to us than how much he suffered!
As a means to try to comfort me, everyone has been telling me, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, guess what, I don't believe that any more. It took me 27 years to find the love of my life, to find someone who just fit into my life and who is my best friend. Losing him is more than I can handle. And what reason could possibly make sense? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason he has to be taken from me?
I am afraid to lose him, afraid to realize that I will never laugh with him again, never take our yearly trip to California with him again, never again watch a sunset with him in Pacific Grove, never be able to just do the simple things that only he would enjoy doing with me. I don't mean for it to sound as though I no longer believe there is any hope for him, but I am afraid not to prepare myself. I just feel so much that the odds are against us.
I don't mean to whine. I know everyone goes through this when they could lose a loved one. I just needed to get this out and thought someone might understand how I feel. Or maybe what I am feeling doesn't make any sense, I don't know. I just know that I am mad, angry, furious. I hate cancer.
Emily
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