Telling your children

[Manny]

I saw Paul54's post on Telling Your Parents and am struggling with the exact opposite issue. Should I tell my 13 year old? We told him about I/O surgery after I got back home - he did not know prior to surgery. He knows I am going for another surgery - but he does not know my diagnosis.

He suspects know something is going on. He has already asked why I need to go to NYC for surgery - instead of the hospital next door. And why am I spending so much time working from home - and not going to work. He is old enough to know what Cancer is. I fear if I tell him I have TC, he will get negative ideas. How have you folks dealt with this?

[Margaret]

We told our then 7 year old the truth. That daddy has cancer, that cancer is a sickness, and that the doctors were going to fix it. He asked me if people with cancer ever die and I told him sometimes but that Daddy was going to be fine. He went to the cancer center and sat and read to Boyce when he was in bed. He told everyone....including the woman bagging our groceries...that his Dad had cancer but was doing great.

It is a choice that only you can make. For us, being honest was a huge part of it. We are glad we told him, I think him knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it is...creates more anxiety. But you know your child better than anyone else.

Good luck and if you need me, just holler.

[TCLEFT]

I saw Paul54's post on Telling Your Parents and am struggling with the exact opposite issue. Should I tell my 13 year old? We told him about I/O surgery after I got back home - he did not know prior to surgery. He knows I am going for another surgery - but he does not know my diagnosis.

He suspects know something is going on. He has already asked why I need to go to NYC for surgery - instead of the hospital next door. And why am I spending so much time working from home - and not going to work. He is old enough to know what Cancer is. I fear if I tell him I have TC, he will get negative ideas. How have you folks dealt with this?

All I can say is you will most likely be surprised at when you little boy actually became a Man. Actually, I'm about to say alot more. My Son will be 16 in January. I'm a 3 time survivor and I owe alot of that to him. He knew the truth all three times. He knew why I had my i/o and radiation in 2004 and helped me continue to run our Martial Arts School. He knew in 2006 when I had mets to my mediastinal lymph nodes and liver, went through 4EP, and he ran the school single handed at age 14. He never waivered in his schooling keeping honors and high honors. In 2007, I finally conceeded to closing the school when mets hit again in liver, lymph nodes and pancreas, this time a TIP protocol. And He, rode with me in the Philly Livestrong in August. We started learning a new discipline (Kung Fu) together last Month. We play guitars together. My 8 year old Daughter knew throughout as well, giving me hugs and tucking me in on the couch when I was in the throws of chemo. She likes to go fishing with us and wants to learn to play the drums to complete the band. I would never do anything to ever hurt those two. They are my life. And what's become apparent is that they feel the same for me. So how do you keep a secret from a love such as that? I think given the opportunity, your children want to give back. They want to know they can support and nurture too. And guess what? They can! And in abundance. In life, Sh*t happens. But things can work out too. Let your Son know that. Let him help you. I think he'd want to. My two cents.
Much Love Bro,
Mark

[Karen]

Manny,

My husband was diagnosed shortly after my Dad died from lung cancer. My daughter was 7 at the time and devastated when my Dad died. A classmates' mom had just died from breast cancer. We did not tell her because we were afraid she would think her Daddy would die as well.

Ray had his I/O and didn't miss a beat. Same with radiation...he was nauseous enough to skip meals but just saying he had a tummy ache was explanation enough. We felt that since he did not need an RPLND, and we hope he never needs chemo, we could sweep in under the carpet.

This summer, now that she's 10, we went to a benefit Mets game for the Sean Kimerling TC Foundation. We told her before that so if guys discussed TC she would be prepared. Ray told her that he HAD cancer and was fine now. She was OK with it, asked questions. At the Great Ball of Fire party this summer she knew a lot of guys had TC. She is sad tonight knowing Danny died.

I think once kids get past 9 yrs old they pick up on a LOT! I was 9 when my sister was diagnosed and died from leukemia. Nobody ever told me anything, but I overheard enough to know something was wrong and was scared beyond belief. I so wished someone told me and comforted my fears.

I'm glad we waited to tell our daughter, given the timing. I'm very glad she knows now. As parents we want to protect our kids. TC can show them how we can be strong and overcome. 13 is old enough to tell him. His imagination can be running to far worse things....

[Ampaman]

I think my 2 yr old son knows that i'm sick because when he see's my rplnd scar he points at it says itai itai = painfull in japanese. Then he tries to put his hand over it as if his giving me Chi.
It started when my uncle was putting his palm hand over me when I was in pain and giving me Chi.
Chi- the Chinese word for life energy

[Sans rt1]

Kids know more than we often give them credit for. They also sometimes hear bits and pieces of things that we think are being discussed in private, and pick up on subtle changes in our behavior. All this can make them scared something is going on, and our not telling them can make them angry as well.

My son was 9 and my daughter 12. Because I was diagnosed on Good Friday and my surgery was scheduled for the Monday afternoon, following Easter Sunday. My wife and I decided to wait until after the Easter festivities to tell them. Because we had told some adult relatives and friends that were there, it was talked about a little at the Easter gathering, but we thought out of earshot of the kids. When we got home that evening, we immediately sat the kids down and told them. I was shocked when both said they had heard things and knew I was going to have surgery and that I thought it was probably cancer. They had talked about it together, and decided not to ask me because they knew I would tell them when I was ready. So, when I told them, they were relieved because their worst fears were not true, and it confirmed what my wife and I had always told them about honesty and the fact that families talk and work through difficult times together.

So, we told them everything. I told them I was very scared, and did not know exactly what would happen. I emphasized that even if it was cancer, I was kind of lucky because it was very treatable - so even if I needed treatments that could be tough and make me sick, I was confident that I would be cured.

For my kids, telling them was the right thing to do. You will need to judge whether your own kid can handle it, but at 13, I would not be surprised if he already knows.

[Jilleighn]

Our daughter was 18months when my hsuabdn was diagonised. She knew something was going on but to ittle to understand. We blogged Eric's journey and took tons of pictures. when he was finished wtih treatment I had all the pictures we had taken and all the blogs we had wrote and had them printed in a hard back book for Eric. Our daughter now does ask questions. When she sees a man with no hair she will ask if he has cancer and sick like daddy as. She is 4 almost 5. It was not until about 6months ago did we tell her daddy actually had cancer. Kids know more thn you think.

[Manny]

Thanks all for your feedback.

After a lot of soul searching I told my son today that I have been diagnosed with TC. I told him all what I have been through - the diagnosis, I/O, weekly tracking of markers, waiting for results, upcoming RPLND, ...

He took it in stride. He actually asked is'nt this what Lance Armstrong had?! I was surprised - apparently someone in his class had done a book-report on Lance and had written about TC being the most curable cancer.

I feel better now that I am not hiding something from my son. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

[Scott]

Well done, Manny. I've been completely open with my kids. That led to an interesting one-on-one conversation at camp this summer with one of my nine-year-old sons.

"What kind of cancer did you have again? ... Oh. What are testicles for, anyway?"

[Karen]

Good job Manny...I imagine you were relieved it was out in the open too.

[petep]

Great job -

No doubt, pre chemo, wondering what to tell my kids (ages 12 and 10 at the time) was what kept me up. I saw my grandmother die when I was age 16, lung cancer - seeing her go from normal one day to no weight, bald...very traumatic.

I told my kids I was going in for some medical treatments, that I might lose some weight, would lose my hair...probably look a bit different...but not too worry...I told them this when I was still fine.

Then, before chemo took hold and I was still myself, we had a great time shaving my head - my son did the clipping, daughter videotaped. He was laughing hysterically, saying I looked like an egg - daughter, kept saying mitch, he looks fine...dad you look great....thank god for little girls....(I did look like an egg by the way).

It occured to me what scares kids is the unknown. By doing what I did, they felt they caused the transformation....not some scary disease.

Looking back, it was one of the single best decisions I have made in my life.

pete

[Scott]

I stumbled across this American Cancer Society document that offers some advice on how to help kids at various ages with a parent's cancer diagnosis.