Feelings when I come on this board...

[petep]

a pre-emptive "please excuse the rambling"....

I have been traveling a bit for work, and have not been able to visit as often as I should.

But each time I log on, the first thing I notice is how many people are browsing each forum....sometimes it's late at night and I'll see that several are in one forum, and 5 or 6 in the post orch. forum, several more in survivorship...and I think each of these people is dealing with this cancer at some level....and I wonder what is going on in their minds, at that moment, wherever they are. I remember vividly how I felt starting out, during chemo, post chemo....the fear, the unknown, praying for answers, scared for my family...

Last night after work I played some soccer in the yard with my kids & wife...a long way from where I was 20 months ago, barely able to walk a few hundred yards.

and then came in the house and posted my recent results (all clear) and answered some PM's from a couple guys just starting out BEP....one guy, just finished his first day, first cycle...and wondering what to expect....I wish he could get inside my head, so he would just know that the fear is really 10x worse than the actual experience.

and then today, a few minutes ago, I read about Danny's passing....and it's like someone just took all the wind out of me. It's just devastating news....beyond belief.

Anyway, I have no specific objective in this post....I suppose just to say it is nice that all of these people are here, to see each other through the initial fear, the treatments, the side effects, the great news when it comes, and sometimes the very sad news that someone we have gotten to know, even though remote, has passed away.

You come on these boards and you really get to see life in a microcosm...that life is not always fair, that sometimes bad things happen to great people, you witness people going so far above and beyond for people they have never met before and it renews everything positive about the human spirit....you feel every emotion possible.

Anyway, thank you to the forum moderators and the others here that keep the forum going...it provided me tremendous practical and emotional help while in the thick of battle with tc....and today provides enormous satisfaction just being able to answer a question or two.

pete

[Already Bald]

You come on these boards and you really get to see life in a microcosm...that life is not always fair, that sometimes bad things happen to great people, you witness people going so far above and beyond for people they have never met before and it renews everything positive about the human spirit....you feel every emotion possible.
pete

Pete,
You are a good man, and I'm glad to have gotten to "know" you.
You helped me to get through my 4XEP, as you have helped many others.
I share more with people on these forums than any of my co-workers even know- or others in my life. The forum has some magical way of allowing us to be pure and honest- and I'm much more transparent and confident about my cancer history because of these forums, in my life.
So, I too thank Scott and James and the moderators for this "thearapy".

[Karen]

Moderators need therapy too....I had a major melt down today...a combination of Danny's passing, Ray's follow up CT and the anxiety filled week long wait for results, and a whole lot of other sad news this week with our forum family. I sat here and realized there was not a single friend I could call who could REALLY understand this. I vented in the moderator space and within minutes had a call from Fed to scrape me off the ground.

Evert time a new member joins it makes me sad they need to be here, but glad they found the site. Cancer is not something to deal with alone, and those that walk the path can guide the best.

[Scott]

I didn't see any rambling. Thanks for posting that, Pete, and thanks for being here.

[Scott]

The forum has some magical way of allowing us to be pure and honest- and I'm much more transparent and confident about my cancer history because of these forums, in my life

I love that.

[Russell's Mom]

Some of the nurses understand the mechanics when I share with them that the Pulmonologist had no news of increased lung volume for Russell this week. Here...I know I can say a few words and know that people understand that it is more than the numbers on the reports. My boys were very sad for Danny, his family, they shared the mornings and time in the kitchen with him...the Lovestrong picture has been there since it's creation. There were tears, tears for Danny...the change in direction from his fight....for his family...it breaks my heart. An odd thought creeped in...I was hoping that the tears would be the first, followed by a "melt down", but no...it is still no where to be found. The fear, the betrayal, the losses, still tangled inside (a little humor just arrived...must be like a cat's hair ball.) Then there is the opposite, the mind bubble that gets lost in forever gratitude for people just being there for each other. This is the ultimate unconditional love experience. I'll even be able to tell you guys when I cough out the hair ball!!! What an odd mixture of emotions!! Lovestrong, Sharon

[Scott]

I'll even be able to tell you guys when I cough out the hair ball!!!

The strangest part is, we'll applaud you when it happens.

[Fed]

I vented in the moderator space and within minutes had a call from Fed to scrape me off the ground.

I do need to make an important point here, and I am fairly certain it applies to everyone. My sole purpose in having joined the forum three days after my I/O in December was to have the sense of security that comes along with not feeling alone. The first days after diagnosis and initial treatment are usually the hardest, and when I first joined, I was overwhelmed at the outpouring of support.

Even though I don the tag of "moderator" here, I do concur with Karen. We are still cancer survivors or co-survivors. We are human. We are not immune to the ups and downs of cancer; I myself have my good days and my bad days, but despite these, I am confident that I can come over here and say what I feel, talk about my fears, and lend a helping hand when it's needed.

I owe a lot of my sanity to this space, and this space wouldn't be what it is if it weren't for the people in it. Pete, your post couldn't be more right. Several months ago I snuck in a post a phrase I learned from my Japanese teacher, and I think it warrants repeating here. I believe it applies to you, and everyone else here.

Chie o kau koto wa dekinai. Keiken o tooshi-te mi ni tsukenakereba naranai. (You cannot buy wisdom; you have to earn it through experience).

[TCLEFT]

I just don't know what I'd do without you guys!

[Scott]

Well said, Fed. I agree completely. The Forums would be a blank canvas without all you artists.

[Fish]

Definitely correct Fed, you all help me to maintain my sanity as well.

1 bottle of Ativan -- $5

30 minutes of counseling -- $75

TC-Cancer.com and my forum family -- Priceless!!!!!


Hey Sis, I hope you're felling better. Best wishes for the ALL CLEAR for Ray!!!

[Karen]

1 bottle of Ativan -- $5
30 minutes of counseling -- $75
TC-Cancer.com and my forum family -- Priceless!!!!!

Hey Sis, I hope you're felling better. Best wishes for the ALL CLEAR for Ray!!!

Bro, love the analogy!!! Much, much better today. We all have each others backs here, and I am so thankful for that.

[TCLEFT]

Best wishes for the ALL CLEAR for Ray!!!

I second that emotion.

[Jay68442]

I wish the internet was around when I was diagnosed. To think of all the things I could have done online while I was locked up in the transplant room for 21 days. A few XXX websites would have helped pass the time.

Let me get back on track here.
This forum has allowed me to open up about my fight with cancer. It has allowed me to vent some of the feelings I kept inside for all of these years. Since I was diagnosed in 1988 I have never shared my feelings or experiences. To this day my wife does not know all that I have been through. When I am here with people who have had similar experiences it is easy for me to open up. I feel at ease when I am here and hope my presence and understanding can help at least one person. For me there is no bigger reward then helping others. I do get a little frustrated everytime I see a newly diagnosed member. It hurts because I know what lies ahead for them and it sucks.

[Margaret]

I am right there with you Jay. As active as I am on the forum, it is hard to believe that ALL through Boyce's treatment and struggles I had not found you guys yet. I sure do wish I had found you then. Boyce and I were talking the other night about Danny and how we started our search for support AFTER we met them. Why we never thought to seek out support when we were going through our darkest days I will never know or be able to explain. After meeting Danny and Michael, it felt bigger than we could deal with...we knew we needed help and found this family. And thank god we did.

Love!

m