it has spread to my brain

[clyde_on]

I fear this is no cure in site.

You see since I aquired TC I have not been the same it seems every other moment there is a reminder.

I have not been diagnosed with cancer of the brain however I can not get cancer out of my head.

I hope I can shake this feeling...


I got a mild sore throught ; it was cancer!!!!

Small bump (been there long as I can remember, no size change) on roof of mouth; it is now was cancer!!!!


Gas pain in stomach no longer a gas pain; it is now cancer.


The pain in my other testical (i guess the pain of adjusting) ; cancer!!!


I am sure we all lived through this but WTF!!!!!

[djmac]

Damn, Clyde_on,

I feel your pain... it has gotten ridiculous. I had a small red dot on my glans and I told my Uro about it... unfortunately(fortunately), by the time I showed it to him it was barely a speck...and in all seriousnessI asked if it might be "penile cancer". He actually said to me "I can't even see what you are talking about". I wake up with cancer on my brain, I go to sleep with it.

I told my surgeon about my feelings about 2 weeks ago... and he basically said that everyone goes through this "depression"... He didn't even want to use the term, but he said it will continue until we finally accept that we will probably not die from this, and may actually go on to live productive and wonderful lives. You'll feel this way until you have a few clean scans under your belt.

Try to have fun, go out with friends or your girl, try to relax. I had my surgery right around the time you did, and I obsess about it. I'm afraid I'll get caught at work looking at this forum, but I visit here multiple times a day regardless. My sitution is also complicated by the fact that I am choosing surveillance for seminoma... and my uro is taken aback by this... he studied under Sheinfeld, who is very conservative. Surveillance for seminoma is a fairly recent trend.

I think that things will get better for both of us early next year!

Best of luck to you, bro!

djm

[leaffan-Dave]

Clyde,
I had R/O on the 22nd of Nov. and going to the doctor tomorrow for the path results. I too have been totally freaked out about this. Only getting 2 - 3 hours sleep and every pain or mark makes me wonder. I have had bad lower back pain for a week now and they are sending me for a bone scan Friday so this has me more than worried as I have not even seen my results yet and they are sending me for more tests??? Just want you to know your not alone with all the mixed emotions. I am a complete nervous wreck and can't wait to get on with it.
Dave

[Chris'Mom]

Clyde, the feelings you have are so understandable, in my case, I worry every other month that it will show up in my son's other testicle.....even though he has had good results for over a year and a half...but every blood test sends me into a very down, dark mood....until I hear everything looks good, I am good for another couple of months....Chris seems like he handles it better, but I wonder what his deepest darkest thoughts are....hang in there....Mary Ellen

[Vinny]

You know, I'm all for better living through pharmaceuticals. If you haven't done so yet, have your urologist or endocrinologist check your testosterone levels. Testosterone deficiency can wreak havoc with your psyche. Even if you don't have a pre-orchiectomy baseline, you may want to investigate replacement therapy.

[jdunn]

MaryEllen,
You took the words right out of my mouth! Josh has a CT scheduled for this month...Here we go again......

[41FromMI]

Feel your phantom pains

I'm in the same boat. Even though my CAT's have come back clear, I have a pain in my right chest under my ribcage that comes and goes. I'm convinced I have a huge mass they missed, and a couple of months down the road they will finally catch it and say "gee, sorry, we seemed to have missed that". Of course by then it will be too late. Sleep has not been good lately.

Sounds silly but this is exactly what happened to a coworker within the last year. First it was non hodgkins, then they werent sure. Then he was cured, then he had abdominal pains, and finally they found a basketball sized mass in his abdomen, wrapped around everything. He was a big guy, but jeez, how do you miss that. We buried him about 2 mos ago. Yuck. Cancer sucks.

[Chris'Mom]

I know Jane, it never leaves us......I am sure everything will go great....but it is so hard....I am thinking of you always Jane, we are always on the same wavelength.....take care...Mary Ellen

[petep]

Hey all...

I almost feel guilty reading your posts because rarely do I have these thoughts...my last chemo treatment was april 17th...last night my wife and I shed a couple tears as we danced in the living room as it was exactly one year ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed. Today last year, in about 2 hours, I was told I needed an ultrasound and some blood tests done...scary time with a wife & two young kids....


I will offer a few things that at different times have helped me through things, not just cancer, and maybe something will resonate...

- early on, when my wife was really hammering away at the urologist as I was coming out of surgery (what did it look like, will he be fine, what are his chances etc.)...he just looked at me and said "pete, whatever it is, it is, and whatever it is, you will just have to deal with it when the time comes"....I went from being so pissed he would say that, to feeling so empowered...he was right...

- worry about what you can change...not what you can not...if you have read on the internet, sought 2nd opinions from the experts...you have done all you can do....eat well, exercise, enjoy life....worrying will neither make the cancer return or make it go away if it is to come back.

- visit a child's cancer ward before xmas and bring a few gifts, talk to some of the kids about your experience....you will quickly learn two things...that you feel fortunate and doing something good for someone else when you really feel down, and really don't want to...will actually make you feel good. This much, I can almost promise you....and if you are really serious about wanting to shake the negative feelings...really serious...do this. Don't feel guilty that you may be doing this to help yourself.

- trick yourself into being a role model...you do not realize how many people are watching you as you go through this....people actually will get strength from seeing you, a cancer patient, go through this with a positive attitude....I saw a funny author speak once and he said "don't complain or whine or worry...80% of the people around don't care and the other 20% are just glad it is your problem and not theirs"....but I'd offer be a role model and you will attract attention. Fake it if you have to at first...but sometimes behavior will shape actual feeling.

- finally I will say this....as cancer patients or patients in remission or relatives of cancer patients, we all have this feeling of "why couldn't it be like it was last year, or two years ago...when I did not have to deal with this...I wish it could just be like it was".....I'd be lying if I said I do not feel this way someimes....but the more we say this, the harder it is...because once you have cancer, you have to deal with it, and the thought of recurrence...it's part of who you are...the cards you were dealt....and "wishing" it were any other way is pointless. It just is....

I saw nando Parrado speak recently - a survivor from the book alive, the andes mtn plane crash in the 70's....he said "do not live asking why"...sometimes there is no answer....he asked his mom & sister to fly with him on that flight...they both died....he chose to sit in row 9....everyone behind him was killed when the plane split....Why??? who knows...it just was he said.

Realize that you have faced something that most no one gets to...being emotionally and physically at your lowest....go through that, you can go thru anything...you made it, you are on the other, good side of this....

I hope I did not offend anyone...you are of course entitled to feel negative at times...but you are also entitled to feel good. You are here for a finite time...make the most of it.

[Chris'Mom]

That was a great read, and I need to stay positive......sometimes I say, why my son....who is such a great kid, he didn't deserve this....but your post was very helpful....thanks for taking the time.....Mary Ellen

[Scott]

Great post, Pete!

[djmac]

Peter,

Thank you, that was an incredible post!

Regards,

djm

[41FromMI]

Excellent post. That should be a sticky.

[Lori]

Great post Pete! This is one I'm printing and posting on our refrigerator.

Thank you!

[arturojr]

- finally I will say this....as cancer patients or patients in remission or relatives of cancer patients, we all have this feeling of "why couldn't it be like it was last year, or two years ago...when I did not have to deal with this...I wish it could just be like it was".....I'd be lying if I said I do not feel this way someimes....but the more we say this, the harder it is...because once you have cancer, you have to deal with it, and the thought of recurrence...it's part of who you are...the cards you were dealt....and "wishing" it were any other way is pointless. It just is....

this really hit it on the nail for me. this has been my biggest issue. i keep wishing i could go back to "how i was senior year of college" right before i got diagnosed (week after graduation). but you are right. you cant go back to taht..to try and do so is to play the game of denial with yourself... my psychologist and i have been working hard on that.

wishing you all the best on fighting cancer on the brain... its a tough battle.. one i think i have just begun. but i am ready to FIGHT