What a great series of posts ... you're the best Robert! Believe me, at no point should you worry about how I am being "affected" by my cancer. Because for me, it feels like more of a matter of how I am choosing to steer my life -- not that I was "affected" by it, but rather, that I am still firmly in the drivers' seat.
What you said in post #2 certainly hit it on the head. At almost no time in this whole process have I felt depressed -- which is why I carefully chose the words "general malaise" ... not a euphamism at all -- !! Don't get me wrong, I had a few "why me" moments (I think we all do) ... but it's definitely true that the process rushes by at such a speed that there really isn't time to contemplate it at all until everything is done and then it all hits you.
Oh -- to clarify something I've seen come up a few times here; there are no, repeat no, decisions I made during this process based on what other people might think. By this I am referring specifically to the issue of whether women care if a guy has one testicle or two. I know they don't care. And even if they did care, I don't think I would care that they cared.
I actually did read everything on the TCRC site regarding the implants before I made my decision. I found it fascinating and incredibly informative but ultimately it did little to help my decision because the stories were fairly equally split between both good and bad experiences, both with and without the implant. Of course, I knew all along that the decision is a very personal one and that anything I read online wouldn't be making the decision for me. I chose the implant -- not because I was worried about what some future female might think -- but because I was trying to do everything in my power to make things as normal as possible for me. Unfortunately I did not see much in those stories about the kinds of issues I was having that prompted me to create this thread in the first place. (Side note: I DO wish that my urologist had handed me the implant he was planning on using prior to the surgery, as seems to be the case with many people here. I'm pretty sure I would have requested a smaller one). I just want to reiterate that there was NEVER a chance of me being a victim of this. I have understood for years now that everything comes into our lives not only for a reason, but for a positive one -- for something that is ultimately designed to help us out. In fact I (sometimes) distance myself from the term "cancer survivor" because I don't like the idea of defining myself by something that affected me in my past -- defining myself via an illness -- but of course having come out the other side, I realize that "survivor" is the operative word here -- and I do gladly and proudly use the term -- but only insofar as it highlights the "survivor" and not the "cancer". I hope that makes sense.
I'd still love to hear from those of you in the dating world -- the real nature of my post was not to talk about depression or whether women care if there's an implant or not (although those have been fantastic side-threads which have been very valuable to me and, I hope, to many of you as well). It seems that most people on here (or the ones who are posting anyway
) have steady significant others which, emotionally and physically, I imagine would take some of the edge off of this whole experience. I'd love to compare notes with others who are still in the dating pool -- there are undenyable physical changes that come along with this, i.e. the implant feels "odd", it's still a bit sore, etc. ... and truth be told, when there is anything even slightly out of the ordinary when you're about to have sex with someone for the first time, it is definitely on your mind. I wouldn't care one iota that I had a fake ball except for the fact that it is definitely still a bit tender. Luckily, the incision scar itself stopped feeling strange a few months ago so that's no longer part of the picture. But I also do know that ejaculating still feels different too and I'm hyper-aware of it ... It's really strange how much you don't realize you're feeling down there, until one of them gets taken out and the absence of those nerves and that half of the process becomes very apparent. It did to me, anyway. I know that in time I'll never notice it again -- I just haven't arrived there quite yet. In addition, I don't ever feel strange "admitting" to someone that I've had testicular cancer; in fact, right after my passion for creating music, it's one of the first things they learn about me. It's part of who I am, and certainly not in a bad way. I prefer to be an open book because I'd rather be read than gather dust on the shelf!! So that's definitely not an issue for me either.
I know I'm blessed, and I've known it for years. I knew it while I was in treatment for cancer. I even knew it as I was being diagnosed for the first time. Cancer doesn't define who I am; rather, I am choosing to define myself by whatever terms I see fit now that cancer has been one of my many experiences on this earth.
I don't necessarily have a point in all of this, but I wanted to be sure I responded to the wonderful replies that have made their way on to this thread. You guys (and gals) are the best and I know I'm very lucky for having stumbled on this site.
Much love,
Scott
. I've never once regretted my decision, and I look almost normal except for the hottest of days where my survivor is hanging low. Give it a 1 year mark, and if you still hate the fakie, lose it... but definitely ask your surgeon if you could keep it, it would make a neat conversation piece...maybe you could even bronze it!
Leave a comment: