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On the face of it, I must have a recurrence. I've lost 10 lbs. in the last month (5 in just the last week or so) and I have all of this vague numbness, tingling sensation in my lower back, sometimes in my upper back, sometimes in my buttocks. Not really ever pain... although I did have some pain/discomfort in my survivor, and an ultrasound ruled out cancer.
The feeling I'm having now is similar but not quite the same as the one I had in December, which sent me into the MRI tube. Everything I've read of course points to widely disseminated cancer, or bone metastases which both carry a poorer prognosis, even for seminoma. And yet my urologist assures me that the only cases where he's seen this, where back pain was caused by TC, was in cases of very advanced TC, and then only with lymph and lung mets. Very unlikely, he says. Then I wonder whether he's forgotten that my other urologist shot me with shock waves on two occasions to break up my severe kidney stones, shortly after my orchiectomy? Surely that could break up the fledgling tumors in the nearby lymph nodes and redistribute them throughout my body? No? (I've read papers that indicated that this is a possibility...I've also read papers that claim that shock waves can 'kill' tumors).
Then I read that similar symptoms can be caused by low testosterone. I ask my urologist to check that out, and he asks me if I have any decreases in strength or libido. I'm tempted to lie, but I feel as strong as ever in the gym, even though my regimen has gotten sporadic, and my libido is very much intact.
So then I think about the stressors in my life, namely that my urologic oncologist quit being a doctor and is taking a job as chief medical officer of a biotech company, the fact that my boss just dumped a load of work on me, and I have to prepare for a presentation to the department by Wednesday, that since my diagnosis six months ago (six months, I can't believe it!), I've gotten engaged, went on a business trip, bought a house, restored an old desk, moved, and I am in the process of planning a wedding and honeymoon. I also wonder if moving all of my things and spending a couple of weeks hunched over a desk stripping varnish, sanding, priming, painting and laquering may be contributing to my back discomfort. Or maybe it's the fact that for lent I fasted, and didn't eat meat, dairy, and fish for the entire time and I starved myself on Saturday, even though there is no way I would even consider receiving communion because it isn't the best way to protect yourself from other people's contagious diseases.
So where does this all leave me? It leaves me with my urologist giving me a course of doxycycline for the epididymitis, me exactly one month away from my next CT, wondering if I should push it up, but leaning against that scenario, not because I don't want the peace of mind, but because I feel that it would just feed my cycle of anxiety. I wonder if I'll be that 1 in 100 who won't make it through stage I seminoma. And then I think about that statistic, and I wonder how people can have hope in the face of much worse odds, and how they move through their lives with their chin up, exposing their veins for the next course of poison, and I feel like a real wimp.
The feeling I'm having now is similar but not quite the same as the one I had in December, which sent me into the MRI tube. Everything I've read of course points to widely disseminated cancer, or bone metastases which both carry a poorer prognosis, even for seminoma. And yet my urologist assures me that the only cases where he's seen this, where back pain was caused by TC, was in cases of very advanced TC, and then only with lymph and lung mets. Very unlikely, he says. Then I wonder whether he's forgotten that my other urologist shot me with shock waves on two occasions to break up my severe kidney stones, shortly after my orchiectomy? Surely that could break up the fledgling tumors in the nearby lymph nodes and redistribute them throughout my body? No? (I've read papers that indicated that this is a possibility...I've also read papers that claim that shock waves can 'kill' tumors).
Then I read that similar symptoms can be caused by low testosterone. I ask my urologist to check that out, and he asks me if I have any decreases in strength or libido. I'm tempted to lie, but I feel as strong as ever in the gym, even though my regimen has gotten sporadic, and my libido is very much intact.
So then I think about the stressors in my life, namely that my urologic oncologist quit being a doctor and is taking a job as chief medical officer of a biotech company, the fact that my boss just dumped a load of work on me, and I have to prepare for a presentation to the department by Wednesday, that since my diagnosis six months ago (six months, I can't believe it!), I've gotten engaged, went on a business trip, bought a house, restored an old desk, moved, and I am in the process of planning a wedding and honeymoon. I also wonder if moving all of my things and spending a couple of weeks hunched over a desk stripping varnish, sanding, priming, painting and laquering may be contributing to my back discomfort. Or maybe it's the fact that for lent I fasted, and didn't eat meat, dairy, and fish for the entire time and I starved myself on Saturday, even though there is no way I would even consider receiving communion because it isn't the best way to protect yourself from other people's contagious diseases.
So where does this all leave me? It leaves me with my urologist giving me a course of doxycycline for the epididymitis, me exactly one month away from my next CT, wondering if I should push it up, but leaning against that scenario, not because I don't want the peace of mind, but because I feel that it would just feed my cycle of anxiety. I wonder if I'll be that 1 in 100 who won't make it through stage I seminoma. And then I think about that statistic, and I wonder how people can have hope in the face of much worse odds, and how they move through their lives with their chin up, exposing their veins for the next course of poison, and I feel like a real wimp.
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